Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Missing the Boat July 5, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Family,Pregnant,The Evacuation Plan — arminta @ 7:40 pm

As you are well aware yesterday was July 4th. If you live in the USA you probably even celebrated that fact. I certainly tried to. Yes, tried…

What happened you ask? I’ll tell ya, about half of the people who said they were coming did not show up. This includes the cousins who specifically ASKED us to throw a party. Rude is right! But, hey I get it, right, shit happens. Just call and let somebody know before they grill 50 hamburgers for 11 people (well, 14 if we’re counting the children that didn’t really eat). If the no show list were comprised entirely of “maybe’s” I’d be cool with that. But there were some rather prominent people missing… Like my entire immediate family (well, sister & the boys came, but the rest did not).

Did that piss me off?

Sure… but you know, whatever. Lesson learned, I’m not throwing anymore parties for a long, long while. That was way more effort than it was worth.

What put me over the edge though is my mother’s attitude about it. She started by hem-hawing around getting me to talk her into not coming (you know when I called HER to find out if she was OK because she was 2 hrs late). Which is whatever… I don’t care for the games, but, I get it, some people just don’t do up front. Then she started “advising” me to “just be happy with the turn out I had.” Which is the type of thing that really pisses me off. First with the assumption that I’d be rude enough to bitch to the people that did show up about the people that didn’t, but also with the condescending bullshit. It just irritates me.

Anyway… now today she calls to tell me that my entire family is coming over after the boys’ swimming lessons to “help get rid of all the leftovers.” Oh, but why? “Well, you sounded upset at having so much left over yesterday.” Yeah, I was upset at having to schlep all of that shit to the park, set up, cook, watch 2/3 of it go uneaten, then have to schlep it all back to my house. Now, that I’ve done all that, I could give  shit if anyone else comes over to eat it, frankly I’m pretty pleased about not having to cook for a couple of days at this point. “Oh, so you don’t want us to come over?” (Shocking, I’m know!) Yeah, you can if you want, but I sent a lot of leftovers with the people who showed up and my house is a mess, and I had a party YESTERDAY, so no, I’m not really in the mood for entertaining. “Oh, well let me call everyone and tell them not to come.” K, great, cya-bye.

Was I a little bitchy? Sure. Because seriously, you couldn’t come to the actual party for no good reason, but now you can drop in on me with no notice “to make it up?” Yeah, no, you missed that boat. Inconveniencing me after the fact does not do anything except annoy me. This one example of MANY where my mother just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t just miss the boat, she was aiming for the wrong one to begin with. Honestly, I’m not sure if she honestly thought that I would want seven people to drop in unannounced to eat food that may or may not exist/be frozen that I would have to get out and prepare (heat up, dirty serving utensils, etc.) or if it would just ease her conscience for not coming to the party. She may have actually thought for some crazy reason that I would want that, but I can’t imagine what that crazy reason would be.

So, I’m being a bit testy about the situation. Probably because I’m seven months pregnant. But, what’s eating at me here is that she is flaky like this about everything. Which I’ve grown used to it. She says she’s throwing me a baby shower, baby’s due in 9 weeks (and some change), so we’ll see about that. But, hey as much as I want her to come through on stuff like that, it’s not the end of the world. I’ve gotten used to it. I can buy the supplies we still need. I can arrange my own birthday celebrations. I can make do with lots of leftovers. I can’t spend any of my labor time wondering where she is, if she’s showing up or hearing about her shit, though.

And that’s the real problem here. She really wants to be in the delivery room and be a part of Lil G’s birthday. She says she’s taking time off when he gets here to be able to help us (what she means is take care of the C’s while I can’t). But I can’t plan on that. And, I need to be able to have a plan for labor (we may not stick to it, but we still need to have it). I need to know she’ll be there, and frankly, I don’t know that. I don’t know that she’ll be there. I don’t know that I can count on her. I know that she’ll be offended and hurt if we don’t invite her. But, I don’t know she’ll show up, if we do. I don’t know that she won’t spend the whole time bitching about work/my sibs/my Dad/G’s family. I don’t know that she’ll be more help than distraction. Actually… I’m pretty sure she’ll be more distraction.

One thing I do know, is that this is a time when I will need to be selfish for a change. I will need G to devote his attention to me. He will need to be able to time contractions (sorry, “surges”). He will need to be able to massage and rub when I need him to. I will need to be focused on Lil G, Daddy G (daddy!!!!) will need to be focused on me and someone will need to help him (i.e. fetch shit and keep quiet). But, I just don’t think my mom is the right person to do that. Especially not right now. When she has just shown that either: she does not know me at all or she doesn’t care about my needs…

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2 Responses to “Missing the Boat”

  1. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    Im sitting here, just shaking my head. I don’t understand how people can treat others like that. I am so very sorry that you went to all that work and they didn’t bother to show.

    Honestly, the first thing that came to mind as I read your post was the phrase “passive agressive” in relation to your relations. The whole “we’re on our way over now to eat your leftovers because you were so upset when we didn’t show when we were supposed to” thing is the definition of passive agressive… not to mention downright obnoxious.

    I don’t know what to suggest about your situation with your mom, except maybe to sit her down and be very blunt about your expectations. I don’t know if that would help, but at least you will know that you have done everything you could in preparation.

  2. […] the time I had a hysteroscopy and she didn’t even call to ask how it went. Then there was the time that she chose work over my July 4th party. You know and bunches of other examples in between (like moving me out of a house in order to move […]


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