Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Tuesdays are for Meltdowns August 18, 2010

Right, then. I am insane. It is official.

Tonight, I acted like a right loon over nothing. Well, not nothing. But nothing to be acting like a loon over. Apparently the stress has bottled up and chose to release itself quite inconveniently all over G. The one person who’s been there 100%. The man busted his ass all weekend, and I yelled at him over one load of laundry not being done. Because: AM BITCH.

What happened? Well, it started with my dad calling. He asked about me & the baby, but he seemed to have more on his mind. And, he did. He really wanted to talk about whether I thought it was a good idea for him to move in with my mother while he finished school because he was having a hard time making it to school on time because of work and he can’t miss many more days or he’ll be kicked out. Because right now, I need to be worrying about his stress, too. Don’t get me wrong, I care. I care too much is the problem. I worry about my dad. He’s not in very good health, he’s not in very good shape financially, and he’s not very good with discipline and keeping his shit together. So, anyway, I talked to him about his issues. Because that’s what I do.

While I was talking to him, G was getting frustrated, because he had bought me ice cream, that I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t paying him my undivided attention.

So, when we got home, G made a snarky comment about me being on the phone, the pug got under the bed (because the gate wasn’t closed…), I found that she had torn up one of my new chair pads and I spilled my melted ice cream (that I really wanted) all over my birthing class papers.

I Fucking Lost It.

I cried, I screamed, I tried to beat the pug with her leash (she ran under the bed). This is NOT my normal behavior. I completely went psycho. I told G it was all his fault for making the snarky comment, which started the snowball effect. Then I cried some more, until I puked.

I am not proud of this behavior. I do not approve of it at all. I had no control. Seriously, none. I was like a lunatic pulling at my hair, scratching at my face and screaming/crying. NO CONTROL. Scary.

Now I’m all better (besides feeling foolish for behaving that way) and can see that the things that felt so monumental at the time (I really wanted that ice cream) were quite small. But at the time? You’d have thought the house fell down.

So, for the second Tuesday in a row, I’ve behaved like a loon and it’s getting worse. If I make it to next Tuesday expect a change to a full on werewolf or harpy or something…

*******************************

For the record, I’m pretty sure underlying stress was the culprit… you know little things like:

– My boss is illegally withholding my paycheck for no reason and refusing to discuss it with me.

– I have a lot of work that I feel responsible to get done before I leave (potentially for ever) but also feel like I should not do this work, because I haven’t been paid in 20 days.

– I do not feel ready to have this baby.

– I repeat, I do NOT feel ready to have this baby.

– That pug is really going to have to go.

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2 Responses to “Tuesdays are for Meltdowns”

  1. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    OH hon… with all that you have dealt with during this pregnancy, I think it’s bloody miraculous that you haven’t lost it more regularly and completely before this. You are potentially one day away from a life changing event, your hormones are going insane, and your family… well, they are less than helpful. You are entitled to a meltdown (with a sufficient apology to G afterward of course)!

    Don’t be so hard on yourself, it was one day… let it go, and remember to breathe. ((hugs))

  2. jill Says:

    Oh no, I’ve had similar episodes. Completely bonkers and then you feel ashamed of how you acted. I hope your husband isn’t mad at you over it. All we can do is move on I guess. You’re dealing with a lot of stress – what happened is understandable. Is there anyway to sit down with your husband and figure out ways to lessen the stress a little before the baby comes? Sending you strength!


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