But, we all knew that already.
Sorry, I have been a piss poor poster since Baby G has come home. I could be an ass and blame the baby, but let’s face it, he sleeps a huge chunk of the day away… Mostly, it’s just me being lazy when he’s asleep. I have gotten some of my personal stuff under control, including keeping the house decently clean, so I guess I’m not being THAT lazy, but somewhat lazy. My farm and frontier have also been suffering 🙂 (Yes, I do play Facebook games.) To be completely honest, I have a hard time putting him down. I don’t want to. I want to just stare at him all the time. Of course, I regret this come playtime when I am drag-ass tired from sitting up holding a sleeping baby when he was napping and I could have been napping as well.
In big news this week, I officially resigned from my job. I am a stay at home mother now. My dream job. I feel guilty as shit every day when my husband has to leave for work at freaking way-too-early-o’clock, and I know good and darn well that baby and I might be in bed until 10am. Mind you, we are usually going to bed at 11pm and I am up about 3 hours between 11p and 10a nursing/changing/generally caring for Baby G (meaning in 11 hours I’m getting 8 hours of broken sleep) and I do attempt to prevent the baby from waking G. So, it’s not quite as bad as I feel. But, I do feel guilty that my husband busts his ass at work while I get to stay home with the baby. Because while it is hard work, it is so awesome I can’t complain about my job.
Which I think is part of the lack of posting (and subsequent FB game neglect). I’m not at a job that I don’t love anymore. Part of my super posting was that I was truly over my job (meaning: my boss) and I used blogging and FB games as an escape. Also, I was pretty miserable about the Womb of Doom and right now… this very second… not feeling so miserable about it. I do realize that if there is to be a #2 that will be hard and may involve more loss and I do still mourn my angels, perhaps even more so, now.
Now that I KNOW the feeling of mothering a living child, the losses hurt deeper. When I look at Baby G I do wonder if Bean would have had the same eyes, or if he would have had a sibling with the same golden hair. I mostly wonder about Bean and how he would have looked, and if he would have been such a good baby, too.
Speaking of such a good baby… Baby G hardly cries. The average for a 4 week old is something like 90 minutes a day. We’re having a “bad” day if he cries 30 minutes total. Five continuous minutes of crying happen only when he’s gotten out of the bath. He loves to take his bath, but hates the cold of getting out of the bath, and lotion is from the devil. But… he often sleeps 3-4 straight hours on bath night, so the ritual remains! Also, he needs to be cleaned and hydrated, because he’s dry like Mommy. (Mommy is ME! I am still in awe.) In addition to being dry, he is also growing like a weed. Seriously, he went from newborn to 3 month old (not literally, obviously) overnight. He looks like a big ol’ plump infant these days. But, some of his newborn clothes still fit (but some don’t… which makes me sad). He has great head control and can swat a toy on purpose and I’m so proud of his bad ass skills, and am overcome with grief at how quickly he’s developing.
We only get one shot at babyhood and I don’t want it to fly by so fast. But, I am powerless to stop it.