Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

What to do November 18, 2010

Filed under: Family — arminta @ 3:08 pm

Really… what should I do?

 

Here’s the deal, it’s no secret that G’s mom and I are like oil and water. We don’t like each other. We don’t get along. You get the point. Before the baby was born we were doing the no contact thing. Can’t fight if we don’t see each other. But, after the baby was born I relaxed the boundaries for G’s sake. This was fine for about 7-8 weeks.

 

Then, all hell broke loose.

 

I let her accompany me on a trip to the diaper store. My mistake. I know I need witnesses with her, but I was trying to be nice. Again, my mistake. The day was dump on Minta day. Most of it annoying, but innocuous (like pointing out every possible danger and every car near us on the road). Some of it was more critical, and undercutting (like asking why we didn’t keep the TV on for the baby to watch educational baby videos, then telling the baby “It’s OK, you don’t have to be a genius, you can just be average.” when I explained that we don’t believe in TV for babies under 2, and that the AAP agrees). Some was downright insulting and intentionally inflammatory (like asking my husband if I was lying about the pediatrician saying a breastfed baby can go days without pooping (fyi… he did but alas mine does not) right in front of me). I could go on, but I believe ya’ll get the point: my every action, decision and statement was questioned and criticized. ALL EFFING DAY.

 

But, I kept my cool. I didn’t bite. I just let her go. In other words, I completely under-reacted. Which is probably why I finally blew sky high and over-reacted. After her 10th (or more or less, hell I lost count) criticism of breastfeeding,  I went to my bookcase, got down two books about breastfeeding and gave them to her. I asked her to read them, maybe they’d change her mind about breastfeeding. (Not the over-reaction.) She ignored me and set them on the couch. She continued to talk shit about breastfeeding. So, when she was packing up to leave I took her the books once again and said “I’d really appreciate it if you’d read these.” To which she responded “I don’t need to.” So, I said “If you don’t want to educate yourself on the subject, I don’t want to hear anymore criticisms regarding how I feed my child.” (Still, not over-reacting.)

 

Her response? And-I-Quote “When have I ever criticized you?”

 

This would be the point where I lost my shit. Suffice it to say much shouting followed. Both parties shouting, neither listening. I don’t know who raised their voice first, but I know that this is the point where I turned off. After several minutes of pointless arguing, I asked her to leave. When she refused I told her to get the fuck out of my house. Eventually my husband had to physically help her out of the house. At which point she leaned around him, made a face and flipped me off. My vision went red. If my husband hadn’t been there I’d have beaten her close to death, I’m sure. As it was I merely shouted about tearing the bitches fucking head off, and tried unsuccessfully to get around him. He asked what happened to flare me up, I told him, she lied about it right in front of me. I threatened to call the cops if she didn’t get off of my property, slammed the door in her face and cried. (There we go, there’s the over-reaction.)

 

That was about 4 weeks ago.

 

Since then she has not been welcome in my home. She has not seen my baby. She has talked a lot of shit about me to anyone who’ll listen.

 

Despite all of that, I recognize that what’s best for my son is a HEALTHY relationship with all of his grandparents. Crazy or not. So I told G that if his mother asked to see the baby he should invite her over for a family talk. We should discuss what happened, bring it to a resolution and discuss how to move forward with Baby G’s best interests at front. He agrees that would be best if we weren’t talking about his mother, who he doesn’t believe his capable of this kind of conversation (and he’s right), but he also agreed it’s the best plan we’ve got. He invited her, she refused.

 

She refused. She said that she’s not going to be lectured to by me and she’s not participating in this “childish bullshit.” I’ll admit, that’s fine by me. The responsibility is now on her. But, G is saying things like “are we just going to withhold the baby until she does what we want?” To which I say “yes.” I say she learns to play by the rules, or she doesn’t get to play. I can’t enforce that with G, but I can with myself and my son.

 

Which brings me back around to what to do… Well, what would you do?

 

********************************************************************

 

In other news, please meet the world’s cutest lion boxer:

 

And see how well he plays with others:

 

Also, I was fo’ relz about him lovin’ the Suess:

 

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6 Responses to “What to do”

  1. Yo-yo Mama Says:

    So you were willing to make amends and extended an invitation and she refused it? I would say there’s nothing more YOU need to do. You put the ball in her court, she dropped it. Until she swallows her pride, there’s nothing you can do to improve the relationship as it is right now.

    As for the BF deal, she will not be swayed by proof, written or in her own grandson’s growth, so just tune out whatever she says in the future about it, even if it’s to intentionally piss you off, which she will do. Trust me.

    The fact that she flipped you off is laughable. REEALLL mature, Grandma. How about a picture for the baby book?

  2. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    Oh hon… what a nightmare. I think you are totally right to stand your ground. If she can’t play by your rules when she’s around your son (ie – keeping her cracked opinions to herself) then she doesn’t get to be around him at all. It’s a hard position to be in, and I really feel for you and G. My only suggestion, if you can get her to commit to a conversation about the situation (which doesn’t sound likely), is to do it somewhere neutral. That way, at least no one is on the other’s turf.

    Love the pics! He’s getting so big already!

  3. jill Says:

    Oh my gosh I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. What a crappy person your MIL is.

    If it were me, *and I trusted her around the baby*, I would probably try my best to smooth things over and then just never actually “speak” with her again. I mean I would say hello and “what a nice day” and maybe answer questions about the baby, but everything else, no. I would also try to limit contact as much as possible and try to completely ignore her horrible comments whenever contact happened. Of course I’d want to tell her that the things she says are not very nice and try to resolve it that way but it doesn’t sound like she would listen to that.

    Wishing you luck. I would have lost it too 😦

  4. jenn Says:

    Hi there… are you sure our MILs dont share DNA markers? Cause yeah… Mine is not allowed in the house, or alone with Jack. She thinks its perfectly acceptable to give a 3 mo old Diet Coke… more than once she tried this. There were words… Apearntly I’m the worlds worst mom… I told her oh no I had to come it at second place…right after her. I ignore the bitch in law…. its better for my sanity and everyones health if I pretend that we live 1000 miles away still. 🙂 … The way I figure it, there are plenty of people who love my son… He doesn’t need someone who smokes around him and tries to feed him crap and uses him as a tool to start wars.

  5. Krystal Says:

    That all sounds terrible! I guess if it were me, I’d have the hubs take the baby over there so she could still have time with him, but you wouldn’t have to associate with her?

  6. holy shit this was like a month ago….

    Ok, so this is probably total assvice, but whatevs… I’m back from the dead yo!!

    So, here’s the sitch, the woman is a stone-cold PSYCHO- she’s a shit mom, and she’s a shit grandma. GOOD mothers and grandmothers respect that their children aren’t children anymore, and are willing to respect the wishes of those ADULTS. From the sounds of things, grandma is more like a fucking CHILD herself. Besides the point. At some point, you have to ask yourself if you really want to expose your son to that kind of immaturity and toxicity. Do you really want to deal with the fallout of having a child who disrespects you and your husband because grandma does?

    IF having her in your son’s life was actually a POSITIVE experience for him, it would be completely different, but what is she offering him? Does she really have HIS best interests in mind? It’s one thing to try to maintain the peace, and to be the bigger person, but unfortunately, people like your mother-in-law just don’t change- especially when they don’t need to because you are being the bigger person! It’s a tough decision you’ve got here… best of luck!!


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