Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

It Must be Just Like Living in Paradise November 26, 2010

Filed under: Marriage — arminta @ 3:47 am

Well, folks, looks like I’m a blog failure this month. Caring for two little ones and starting a business will do that to your hobbies. A business? Yes, I am currently building stock, designing a marketing campaign and setting up an Etsy shop for my new crochet/knit wares line. I’m thinking it shall be called Baby Stitches. We’ll see. But, alas, I find the need to sell my goods and contribute more to the family financially.

 

Why?

 

Well, two reasons. Firstlies, I’m used to being the primary income. It feels very odd to be contributing so little. I was not prepared for this feeling of smallness that has come with my income being reduced so dramatically. I feel as if the family checking account does not contain my money and that I shouldn’t spend money on myself, now. I feel like luxuries (like haircuts) should not be wasted on people who don’t earn them (me). Which is, of course, just bonkers. I spent many years contributing, so in a way I’ve already earned these years. Also, I do work 45 hours a week, I just only make $1 an hour. Anyway, I’m having some issues with not earning. I recognize that they are crazy, but I am still having them.

 

The other reason is more to do with G. We have been quite “off” lately. There are three things that I feel he is harboring against me: Baby G fell off of his changing table 5 weeks ago (he is OK, he landed on blankets, we took him to the ER anyway, but everything checked out just fine), the tension with his mother and my not working. He has admitted that he hasn’t forgiven me for allowing the baby to fall. I haven’t forgiven myself, for that matter. On the other hand… I am not a careless mother. I didn’t leave him unattended. I had my hand on him. It was a freak accident. Shouldn’t my husband be understanding and forgiving, especially in light of how hard on myself I’m being? But, he’s not. He’s being quite cold, sarcastic and frankly mean to me.

 

We are having more dust ups than ever before. I tried talking to him about it. He said he didn’t “see it.” He also said he didn’t remember telling me to “shut the fuck up” just five minutes before. But anyway, my point is talking about it didn’t seem to help because today was the same. I know this probably isn’t entirely the case, but I do feel it is related to the substantial drop in disposable cash. He didn’t treat me this way when I was earning enough money that he never had to check on spending whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

 

So, I am starting a business. Trying to up the cash flow. Maybe it won’t help my marriage, but I’ll be able to afford a haircut.

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