Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Be Still My Infertile Brain December 4, 2010

Filed under: Baby G,Infertility,We're parents? — arminta @ 8:53 pm

I am constipated. Not like haven’t pooped in days constipated (that just doesn’t happen to me, I pooped the day after giving birth), but like my poops are HARD. This is abnormal for me. This is sometimes a pregnancy sign for me. This has my brain spinning.

 

I was really hoping that after having my Baby G that this type of insanity would go away. That I would no longer wonder if every little abnormality could possibly be a sign of being pregnant. I was really hoping that I’d no longer think “I had to pee twice last night, and my poop was hard as a rock and I have a headache… should I test?” after getting through a successful pregnancy.

 

But alas, this is indeed how I am starting to think again. Which makes me wonder if birth control would not be a waste of money just to prevent this insanity. Because, we aren’t using birth control now. Well, unless you count pulling out and breast feeding. Which no one who’s serious about not getting pregnant does. But… truth be told we haven’t been that serious about not getting pregnant again. Our attitude has pretty much been if we’re lucky enough to be part of the “pregnant before the first postnatal period” group, then so be it. We always wanted more than one child and if they end up Irish twins, then so be it. If we don’t get pregnant again for a couple of years, then so be it.

 

That was our attitude. Which is why the haphazard birth control (the OB says wait until March to try again, which is why any birth control is being used, again if we can call pulling out and breast feeding birth control). But… if I’m being completely honest (and if I can’t be completely honest here, then why do I blog?) I don’t really want to get pregnant again right away. I’m scared of saying that and of attempting to prevent because I feel like if I miss any chances on purpose, then can’t ever get pregnant again I’ll regret it. The truth is obviously, after all we’ve been through another baby would be a blessing, and I would never consider it otherwise. I love being a mommy. LOVE IT. It is so much more than I thought it would be.

 

Which is why I’m not super thrilled at the idea of becoming pregnant again right away… Baby G just got here. I don’t feel like I’ve had time to fully enjoy him. I don’t feel ready to split the love and attention I’ve waited so long to shower on him. I’m so content with just him right now. And he is such a good baby. He is the very definition of easy baby. He sleeps great, he eats great, he’s smiley and happy most of the time. I just really want to soak him up. I don’t want to be shared, I want to be all his. For now.

 

So, I’m conflicted. My brain is so used to wanting to be pregnant that it sees pregnancy around every corner, and while I certainly wouldn’t consider it a bad thing, my heart is content right where we are and wants to enjoy it a while longer. Of course, neither brain nor heart has any control over the ovaries who may or may not cooperate with either of them!

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2 Responses to “Be Still My Infertile Brain”

  1. jenn Says:

    I wish I could tell you that BC prevents those evil maybe thoughts… it doesnt. last week 3 days late and on the pill mind you, I hauled Jack to the store for the sole purpose of finding a pee sick… then I spent an hour pretend christmas shopping, because the looks you get from people when you have a baby and a pee stick in the cart are awful… for the record pcos can apearntly trump the pill and make you late for your chemically induced period. … will the crazy ever end?


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