This weekend was really great. We finished getting the lights on the tree. We did some Christmas shopping. G bought me Twilight Eclipse for my birthday. Baby G was his normal smiley happy self (of course, until 5pm when I-really-should-have-napped-and-now-am-exhausted kicked in, but then he took a nap and all was better). We spent today at my mom’s being all Christmassy and happy as a family while it snowed. All-in-all, great weekend.
Of course, as great as it was there was something missing. There is always something missing. But this particular weekend, that something felt gigantic. What we did not do this weekend seemed to linger in my mind all day yesterday. Because, what we did not do was celebrate Bean’s first birthday.
Obviously, we don’t know when Bean would have been born had (s)he made it, but the EDD was yesterday, 12/11. Making yesterday the first anniversary of the unfulfilled due date. Yesterday could have been his/her first birthday. But, it wasn’t. My Bean doesn’t have a birthday. Just a death-day.
So, the EDD came and went. No one noticed except me. It’s almost as if (s)he never was. But (s)he was. For 11 short weeks my Bean fought to survive. Slow hcg doubling and small for gestational age my Bean fought. But, the fight was lost. Mommy remembers. Mommy always remembers.