Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Fear March 18, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,The Fear — arminta @ 12:48 pm

I have a confession to make… I live in two worlds. One is all happy and joy joy. Seriously, I love being G’s mommy and I love, love, love being at home with him. This is the life I dreamed of.

 

But, the other world is full of constant fear. FEAR! I cannot escape “visions” of terrible things that could happen that would destroy my world. Example: I am always terrified of getting him up from his nap, because what if this is the time that he’s not breathing. Or, last night at the park daddy was was holding Lil G in the air and I was overcome with fear that he’d drop the baby. I see the car seat sliding down the driveway into the road. I see me dropping the baby about 100 times a day. I am terrified of something bad happening to him and I see all of the bad things that could happen. All day. Every day.

 

And, I’m a filthy hypocrite, because I get testy with G when he tells me to be careful, while my imagination runs wild with all of these terrible images so I know why he’s so cautious.

 

Obviously, I don’t want anything bad to happen. And it’s not the same as post partum depression fantasies of hurting the baby on purpose. It’s more all of the ways the baby could get hurt that I would be powerless to stop. The images are visions of dread and horror.

 

I don’t know if this is a normal part of mommyhood, or if our losses have made me crazy? But, I wish it would stop. I want to live in the moment and enjoy and soak up every minute of life with my baby man, but I cannot keep the fear at bay. I spent his entire pregnancy afraid that we wouldn’t make it to this point (or tomorrow) and also thoroughly convinced that once he was born and my body couldn’t harm him, that I would lose the fear and finally be able to just breathe and be. But, alas, no.

 

So, I ask you am I the only one going through this?

 

Peace Found March 16, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,The Evacuation Plan — arminta @ 11:41 am

Well, on the topic of my birth giving experience, anyway.

 

It’s no secret that giving the birth to Baby G did not go entirely to plan. As in pre-eclampsia necessitated an induction at 38 weeks, which became an emergency c-section, and the plan was for pretty much the opposite of that. Going into labor naturally, laboring at home for as long as possible and (most importantly) not being sliced open from hip to hip. Of course, these changes also effected the time immediately after his birth. We didn’t get the family bonding time. Hell, he was over an hour old before I even became conscious. So, things were not as planned.

 

At first I felt quite ripped off by this. Why after all the heartbreak and trouble getting him here was there more disappointment?!?! Mind you this was tempered with a whole, whole lot of “holy shit we finally have a baby and he’s perfect and yay!” But, still under the surface there was a disappointment over the way he came into the world and I felt very much like I’d failed. I felt like if only I could have held on for a few more days. I felt I was being a wimp, because the pre-e was only effecting me, the baby’s stats all seemed fine. I felt like I let the doctor jump the gun because I felt so crummy and I should have fought more for the natural experience. I felt like I had cheated Baby G of all the wonderful things I had planned for him.

 

I am an idiot. This is not new news, I know. But, let me finish anyway…

 

In all of my self doubting and pissing and moaning I forgot several things but one very important thing: my OB has been delivering babies for 20 years. He has seen things go crazy right and he has seen The Worst Possible Outcome. It is his job to make sure babies are born alive. He saw a very real threat to both of his patients and did what he felt was best to make sure neither of them died. Because pre-e does kill babies. Babies that seem quite fine on the ultrasound/NST, do suddenly lose their heartbeat when their mommies have pre-e. It is not a disease that just makes Mommy feel like shit for a few weeks.

 

Unfortunately, it took a devastating loss to a member of this community to remind me of this. My heart is still broken for Jen and her beautiful angel Evelyn. This post has been stewing for over two months, because every time I tried to write it I became so overcome with grief for her that I could stop crying to type. Even though we have never met, I think of her as a friend and my heart is truly broken for her. I hate that it took her experiencing The Worst Possible Outcome in order for me to find peace with my birth experience.

 

I no longer wish things had gone differently. I no longer care that he was born via c-section. I no longer mourn the loss of my idyllic little post birth nursing and snuggling fest before anyone else got to see him. I no longer think it’s a big deal that I don’t know when his cord was clamped. Why? Because right now, he’s asleep in my bed. I can go in there and kiss him and watch him breathe. Because any second now I might hear him yell Ma Ma Ma and know that he is actually calling for me to come get him. Because he’s here and he’s alive and he’s beautiful and that’s all that matters.

 

No Really This is a New Post March 14, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,Blogging — arminta @ 4:47 pm

No I didn’t forget that I have a blog, why do you ask? I am the suck. Sorry. Actually, I’m not entirely the suck at blogging… just at blogging here. See, I started a much less anonymous blog for the fam that is heavily baby centric. As in, all baby and roses all the time. Well, except when it’s baby and poopy. But, let’s face it, poopy is pretty funny (once it’s cleaned up) and all about baby. Speaking of all about baby, he found his balls. I had no idea they started pawing themselves so young. As soon as the diaper comes off he starts manhandling his junk. Anyhoo, ifin’s you are interested in the day to day goings on of my little masturbater* check us out here.

 

Also, remember how I was all “Oh hey, I’m totally starting a business.” Yeah, well, I did! It’s working on becoming successful. It’s called Baby Hooked Boutique and right now I’m on Etsy and have a Facebook page and I totally fell for the Twitter trap. I am a shameless self promoting whore (i.e. blogger) so I must now ask that you rush to those pages as well. And like/bookmark them.

 

Right and we’ve been sick since February 13. So, you know I kind of have an excuse for being so lazy. I have been kicking around some other posts in my head and hope to get them out this week. Who knows, maybe I’m properly back.

 

* I KNOW he isn’t REALLY masturbating, it’s the same as having found his ears…