Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Fear March 18, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,The Fear — arminta @ 12:48 pm

I have a confession to make… I live in two worlds. One is all happy and joy joy. Seriously, I love being G’s mommy and I love, love, love being at home with him. This is the life I dreamed of.


But, the other world is full of constant fear. FEAR! I cannot escape “visions” of terrible things that could happen that would destroy my world. Example: I am always terrified of getting him up from his nap, because what if this is the time that he’s not breathing. Or, last night at the park daddy was was holding Lil G in the air and I was overcome with fear that he’d drop the baby. I see the car seat sliding down the driveway into the road. I see me dropping the baby about 100 times a day. I am terrified of something bad happening to him and I see all of the bad things that could happen. All day. Every day.


And, I’m a filthy hypocrite, because I get testy with G when he tells me to be careful, while my imagination runs wild with all of these terrible images so I know why he’s so cautious.


Obviously, I don’t want anything bad to happen. And it’s not the same as post partum depression fantasies of hurting the baby on purpose. It’s more all of the ways the baby could get hurt that I would be powerless to stop. The images are visions of dread and horror.


I don’t know if this is a normal part of mommyhood, or if our losses have made me crazy? But, I wish it would stop. I want to live in the moment and enjoy and soak up every minute of life with my baby man, but I cannot keep the fear at bay. I spent his entire pregnancy afraid that we wouldn’t make it to this point (or tomorrow) and also thoroughly convinced that once he was born and my body couldn’t harm him, that I would lose the fear and finally be able to just breathe and be. But, alas, no.


So, I ask you am I the only one going through this?


5 Responses to “The Fear”

  1. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    You are so not alone! You just described what I go through every day. I have visions of me dropping her as we go up or down the stairs outside, about finding her in her crib not breathing, of her choking… all of it. I am constantly reminding myself that all is well, and that she is healthy and strong. I don’t know if the fear will ever go away, but I sure hope that it eases up sometime soon! For both of us!

  2. nope… most definitely not alone in this…

    Then again, I was paranoid before losses- my oldest being 10 now, and me STILL checking on her EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT before I go to bed to make sure she is breathing/comfortable/not going to get hypothermia from not having blankets on her… now it’s just doubled because of Baby Gremlin.

    So sorry that your fear is so awful. I’d like to say it gets easier- but I don’t really think it does, I think we just learn to push it aside in order to enjoy the moments more.

  3. jenn Says:

    Not alone in this one. I think its part normal part of mommyhood. Part nerosis from IF and loss.

    I think we learn to push the crazy aside eventually. Once we learn that if they fall they will get back up, and everything will be okay.

  4. Yo-yo Mama Says:

    When Aitch was still in the baby stage, I wrote about very similar feelings. Someone suggested it was post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSS). I pooh-poohed the suggestion, but there’s probably a great deal of truth in it.

    I would like to say the feelings go away eventually, but certain things bring on that rush of fear. The tsunami in Japan and hearing about children in schools being washed away…I have to swallow hard to push my heart back down in its place.

    I don’t want to be that paranoid mom, but it’s hard when you know you are to raise your child to become independent little creatures when all you want to do is hold them to your breast forever.

  5. I could have written this post almost word for word! You are not alone!

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