I have a confession to make… I live in two worlds. One is all happy and joy joy. Seriously, I love being G’s mommy and I love, love, love being at home with him. This is the life I dreamed of.
But, the other world is full of constant fear. FEAR! I cannot escape “visions” of terrible things that could happen that would destroy my world. Example: I am always terrified of getting him up from his nap, because what if this is the time that he’s not breathing. Or, last night at the park daddy was was holding Lil G in the air and I was overcome with fear that he’d drop the baby. I see the car seat sliding down the driveway into the road. I see me dropping the baby about 100 times a day. I am terrified of something bad happening to him and I see all of the bad things that could happen. All day. Every day.
And, I’m a filthy hypocrite, because I get testy with G when he tells me to be careful, while my imagination runs wild with all of these terrible images so I know why he’s so cautious.
Obviously, I don’t want anything bad to happen. And it’s not the same as post partum depression fantasies of hurting the baby on purpose. It’s more all of the ways the baby could get hurt that I would be powerless to stop. The images are visions of dread and horror.
I don’t know if this is a normal part of mommyhood, or if our losses have made me crazy? But, I wish it would stop. I want to live in the moment and enjoy and soak up every minute of life with my baby man, but I cannot keep the fear at bay. I spent his entire pregnancy afraid that we wouldn’t make it to this point (or tomorrow) and also thoroughly convinced that once he was born and my body couldn’t harm him, that I would lose the fear and finally be able to just breathe and be. But, alas, no.
So, I ask you am I the only one going through this?