I accidentally clicked something earlier and all of my old pregnancy posts popped up, so I read though them. Even though I remember writing the words, it felt like I was reading someone else. I couldn’t identify with those feelings anymore. I don’t remember feeling so miserable or scared. I do remember being really pissed at my boss, and not wanting baby G to be premature, but not the terror over giving birth or fear of being a bad mother.
I wonder if this is a normal part of motherhood? If the hormones your body releases in response to the baby fuzzy up all of those memories and feelings to make you want to do it again? Maybe happiness just settles the heart? I don’t know. But, if anyone reading this is about-to-pop-pregnant and feeling petrified please read those old posts so you won’t feel alone. Then read this: IT WAS ALL CRAZY SILLY.
- I was scared of not being a good mother or of not being able to feel connected to the baby… Ridiculous. Baby G and I have a bond that grows stronger by the day, but the first second I saw him I knew he was my son and felt a completeness.
- I was scared of the birth… Bonkers. He had to come out. I labored for 24 hours to end up having a c-section. I made it through transition and within minutes of pushing, only to have a c-section. 23 hours of that labor were without any pain meds. I think I can speak for the worst of the pain other than pushing and for the c-section experience. I would do it again. I wouldn’t change a thing. If it meant having him here, healthy and alive I’d do it twice. Yes, it hurt. And being strapped down with no food? Sucked Ass. But, honestly, I don’t remember much of it. I remember a few contractions out of the hundreds. I remember a handful of moments of the whole experience. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have the perfect birth and don’t fear it too much. Be prepared to know what you want and how you want to handle a variety of situations, be ready to roll with the punches and make decisions on the fly and enjoy the process (however it presents to you). Most of what I remember are pleasant things, a nurse letting me take a shower, walking the halls with my mom (who I didn’t want to come and am SO GLAD she did), G sneaking me a Pepsi, G bringing me cup after cup of chicken broth (trust me, when you’re starving that shit is DELICIOUS) and Popsicles 2 at a time, and watching Alton Brown through contractions. Remember this: you will get through it. It will not hurt as bad as you think. You won’t remember much of it anyway.
- I was scared that everything would change and life would never be the same… Duh! Everything has changed and life is SOO different. And I LOVE IT! I made a lot of money when I worked. We could afford pretty much anything we wanted. We spent a lot of money. I thought I would totally miss being able to blow $700 on clothes without thinking about it or having a $100 romantic dinner just because. I don’t. I’m not saying there aren’t times when I don’t wish we’d have saved more and spent less so that we could take care of unexpected expenses, but I don’t miss that life. This life is so much better. Maybe your biggest change won’t be financial… maybe yours will be sleep or free time or hobby time. You might miss it now and again, but you wouldn’t trade it back. Trust me, this life is better. I love playing with him more than reading while getting drunk in the hot tub, more than having six closets full of clothes (OK, three), more than sleeping until noon on a Saturday, more than daily showers, more than not having to keep an ear open while having sex, more than knitting and crocheting combined and more than midnight Harry Potter premiers. (Keeping honest, I’m totally making this one, because, duh, it’s the last one, but I did miss Deathly Hallows pt 1. I didn’t see it for like 3 weeks because I didn’t want to leave the baby. Me! Miss a Harry Potter! That’s freakin’ love!)
OK, I hope that’s been helpful to anyone out there that’s way pregnant and scared to death. For the mums-to-born-children: I hope you enjoyed reliving that time and can appreciate the difference in who you are. For the good-fucking-God-why-can’t-I-get-pregnant-and-be-worried-about-this-shit-too crowd: I so hope you get pregnant so you can worry about this shit too really, really soon. For everyone else: why are you reading this blog? No, but seriously, leave me a comment and let me know who you are and what about this blog appeals to you. Everyone else can leave comments too (and please do, I’m a total attention whore like that, one comment saying I’m missed and you get three posts, AM WHORE).