You know how you’re not supposed to discuss religion and politics in polite company? Yeah, well, that’s all that’s on my mind lately, so you can just throw that politeness bullshit right on out the window. Let’s start with religion, as it’s the thing playing front role in my metal ramblings. For the record this is long and full of depressing ass shit. So, while I welcome feedback on this topic, I will totally get it if you don’t read it…
Last night we had a little dust up. A certain song that I love (because of it’s melody) came on the radio and I was singing along (it was “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” by Panic! at the Disco). For those of you who don’t know, this song has the word god.damn in the chorus. Of course, on the radio they bleep it out. But much like that Cee Lo song we all know and love so well, I have heard the cd version too many times and sing it, rather than the radio version. Normally, this isn’t an issue (even with that Cee Lo song), but for some inexplicable reason, last night that particular curse word was a BIG DEAL. Such a big deal that I was asked “How am I supposed to raise a kid who believes in God if his mother is an atheist?”
Atheist? I don’t recall ever proclaiming myself an atheist. Questioning? Definitely. Pissed as hell at a God who could let my babies die and all kinds of other horrendous things happen in the world? Yeah, count me in on that one, too. So, I tried to explain that I wasn’t really sure what I believe anymore, but it definitely isn’t that there is definitely a God and that he definitely gives a rat’s ass about us. Of course this was met with more anger and accusations of “atheist.”
But it got me to thinking… what do I believe? I personally think that life rather had to be designed intelligently. I just don’t see the Earth and the life on it springing forth this way by accident. If that were the case, I think all (or at least most) other planets would be similar to Earth in terms of life. I don’t buy the argument for oxygen. That just happens to be abundant here. If life were creating itself out of the available elements, then there would be no reason that things couldn’t live on Jupiter and breathe helium, instead. Sure, yeah, there could be (and probably are) planets far, far away that we don’t know about, and it’s certainly possible that one or more of them could have life on them, but as it stands, I tend to think there must be some amount of intelligent design involved in our being here.
Now, just because someone designed us and put us here, does that mean they continue to watch over and care for and love us? That’s the question with which I have far more trouble. Our world is full of suffering. Going beyond my little narrow experience of infertility and pregnancy loss, there is so much more suffering out there. I hear people say there’s a reason for it, and God has a plan. But, seriously? He has a plan that involves a woman being anally raped by her boyfriend? He has a plan that involves a 13 month old baby being critically injured in a car accident, living for months on life support only to suffocate to death within an hour of her parents stopping life support because her doctors tell them she will never again breathe on her own, and her brain would never function properly? He has a plan that involves a woman being sexually assaulted by a paramedic on the way to the hospital from the scene of a car accident? He has a plan that involves people just being incredibly cruel? Really?!?!?!?!?! Because I’m just not buying that. These are just the issues really nagging at me today. I could go on ans on with examples.
OK, I had to wait for Baby G. Let’s just assume that for whatever reason, God decided that I needed to do something that required not having a child until August 2010… why did the other pregnancies happen? Why did we see a heartbeat only to have that child die? OK, that baby from the car crash had to die in order for her parents to have her brother, which they wouldn’t have if she were still with them, why the suffering? Why the months on life support? Why force them to make the decision to end their child’s life? What possible good could come of that? Why could her parents not have just been infertile until time for her brother to come along? At the very least, why couldn’t she have been killed instantly? What possible good could ever come from sexual assault? What kind of fucked up plan requires this kind of suffering? What happened to Romans 8:28? Did all these people who have suffered just not love him enough? What about Jer 29:11? What happened to the whole plan to “not harm”?
So, yeah, I’m bitter. Bitter. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why my best friend had to die at 16 years old of a cancer that ate his brain to the point that he didn’t know his own mother at the end. I don’t get how the Bible is full of assurances of how God is looking out for people and has a plan for them and is taking care of them, but the world is full of sickness and disease and horrible, evil, monstrous people who hurt other people in some of the most disgusting and vile ways imaginable.
Speaking of… we are supposed to be created in God’s image, yeah? So what’s up with the horrible, evil, monstrous people who hurt other people in some of the most disgusting and vile ways imaginable. How could someone created in the image of a “loving and merciful” God kidnap a small child, then torture him for hours until he dies, then leave his body on a railroad track? or anally rape a woman who loves and trusts them? or lure women into their vehicle for the purpose of killing them, then make trophies from their body parts? or any number of other absolutely unimaginable travesties, that somehow someone thought of, then acted on. Either God isn’t the “loving and merciful” being we’ve all been lead to believe, or we are not created in anyone’s image.
I tell you what, it scares the shit out of me that Baby G is going to grow up in this world full of these sick monsters.
I don’t know that writing it all out has helped me get any closer to making any kind of decision or having any kind of epiphany… I’m definitely not trying to change anyone else’s mind. You’re all more than welcome to contribute your pennies to the pot on this topic.
** Update… So, I’ve been struggling with this all day. I finally got this post all written and posted and G tells me Aunt C is being checked for lung cancer on Friday. She went to the ER a few days ago and they found spots “all over her lungs.” Really? **