Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Things I Don’t Understand January 12, 2012

You know how you’re not supposed to discuss religion and politics in polite company? Yeah, well, that’s all that’s on my mind lately, so you can just throw that politeness bullshit right on out the window. Let’s start with religion, as it’s the thing playing front role in my metal ramblings. For the record this is long and full of depressing ass shit. So, while I welcome feedback on this topic, I will totally get it if you don’t read it…

Last night we had a little dust up. A certain song that I love (because of it’s melody) came on the radio and I was singing along (it was “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” by Panic! at the Disco). For those of you who don’t know, this song has the word god.damn in the chorus. Of course, on the radio they bleep it out. But much like that Cee Lo song we all know and love so well, I have heard the cd version too many times and sing it, rather than the radio version. Normally, this isn’t an issue (even with that Cee Lo song), but for some inexplicable reason, last night that particular curse word was a BIG DEAL. Such a big deal that I was asked “How am I supposed to raise a kid who believes in God if his mother is an atheist?”

Atheist? I don’t recall ever proclaiming myself an atheist. Questioning? Definitely. Pissed as hell at a God who could let my babies die and all kinds of other horrendous things happen in the world? Yeah, count me in on that one, too. So, I tried to explain that I wasn’t really sure what I believe anymore, but it definitely isn’t that there is definitely a God and that he definitely gives a rat’s ass about us. Of course this was met with more anger and accusations of “atheist.”

But it got me to thinking… what do I believe? I personally think that life rather had to be designed intelligently. I just don’t see the Earth and the life on it springing forth this way by accident. If that were the case, I think all  (or at least most) other planets would be similar to Earth in terms of life. I don’t buy the argument for oxygen. That just happens to be abundant here. If life were creating itself out of the available elements, then there would be no reason that things couldn’t live on Jupiter and breathe helium, instead. Sure, yeah, there could be (and probably are) planets far, far away that we don’t know about, and it’s certainly possible that one or more of them could have life on them, but as it stands, I tend to think there must be some amount of intelligent design involved in our being here.

Now, just because someone designed us and put us here, does that mean they continue to watch over and care for and love us? That’s the question with which I have far more trouble. Our world is full of suffering. Going beyond my little narrow experience of infertility and pregnancy loss, there is so much more suffering out there. I hear people say there’s a reason for it, and God has a plan. But, seriously? He has a plan that involves a woman being anally raped by her boyfriend? He has a plan that involves a 13 month old baby being critically injured in a car accident, living for months on life support only to suffocate to death within an hour of her parents stopping life support because her doctors tell them she will never again breathe on her own, and her brain would never function properly? He has a plan that involves a woman being sexually assaulted by a paramedic on the way to the hospital from the scene of a car accident? He has a plan that involves people just being incredibly cruel? Really?!?!?!?!?! Because I’m just not buying that. These are just the issues really nagging at me today. I could go on ans on with examples.

OK, I had to wait for Baby G. Let’s just assume that for whatever reason, God decided that I needed to do something that required not having a child until August 2010… why did the other pregnancies happen? Why did we see a heartbeat only to have that child die? OK, that baby from the car crash had to die in order for her parents to have her brother, which they wouldn’t have if she were still with them, why the suffering? Why the months on life support? Why force them to make the decision to end their child’s life? What possible good could come of that? Why could her parents not have just been infertile until time for her brother to come along? At the very least, why couldn’t she have been killed instantly? What possible good could ever come from sexual assault? What kind of fucked up plan requires this kind of suffering?  What happened to Romans 8:28? Did all these people who have suffered just not love him enough? What about Jer 29:11? What happened to the whole plan to “not harm”?

So, yeah, I’m bitter. Bitter. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why my best friend had to die at 16 years old of a cancer that ate his brain to the point that he didn’t know his own mother at the end. I don’t get how the Bible is full of assurances of how God is looking out for people and has a plan for them and is taking care of them, but the world is full of sickness and disease and horrible, evil, monstrous people who hurt other people in some of the most disgusting and vile ways imaginable.

Speaking of… we are supposed to be created in God’s image, yeah? So what’s up with the horrible, evil, monstrous people who hurt other people in some of the most disgusting and vile ways imaginable. How could someone created in the image of a “loving and merciful” God kidnap a small child, then torture him for hours until he dies, then leave his body on a railroad track? or anally rape a woman who loves and trusts them? or lure women into their vehicle for the purpose of killing them, then make trophies from their body parts? or any number of other absolutely unimaginable travesties, that somehow someone thought of, then acted on. Either God isn’t the “loving and merciful” being we’ve all been lead to believe, or we are not created in anyone’s image.

I tell you what, it scares the shit out of me that Baby G is going to grow up in this world full of these sick monsters.

I don’t know that writing it all out has helped me get any closer to making any kind of decision or having any kind of epiphany… I’m definitely not trying to change anyone else’s mind. You’re all more than welcome to contribute your pennies to the pot on this topic.


** Update… So, I’ve been struggling with this all day. I finally got this post all written and posted and G tells me Aunt C is being checked for lung cancer on Friday. She went to the ER a few days ago and they found spots “all over her lungs.” Really? **


5 Responses to “Things I Don’t Understand”

  1. Firstly, I’m thinking about your Aunt and the testing. Hope everything goes well.

    Secondly. This is just the reason I’m raising J to believe in Good. Good things, Good people, Good deeds.

    I don’t understand how good people can be forced to suffer, when the evil horrible awful people seem to never have problems with cancer and pain, and any other kind of suffering, except for the suffering they inflict on others.I dont understand why its the best people that have to suffer all their lives, while the evil ones get to do what ever they want with out consequences.

    I also don’t understand how someone who could abuse, neglect, or hurt their baby in any way, seem to have no problem poping out kids left and right. Yet there are a whole lot of good, kind loveing families waiting for babies. Seems to me if there is some big inteligent person directing things from somewhere up above, he would send those babies to families that would be loving, instead of sending them in to a life of suffering.

    I was forced to go to a church as a kid that was a huge collection of the most evil people I have ever known. The minister was a drunk that killed his best friend and a whole family in a car accedent that paralized him, and he still kept drinking. His assistant pastor was a child molester, that raped several teenaged girls and got two of them pregnant. Those girls were sent away, their babies put up for adoption. The whole congration was full of child abusers, drug addicts, and drunks. They turn people away from their familes, and convince parrents that their child that has cancer only needs to believe in god and eat a special diet, and they will be cured. To them it dosen’t matter what they did all week long, as long as their butt was in the pew on Sunday. I can’t really see how believing that way is helpful to anyone.

    If there is some big all knowing all powerful god up above, I have words for him. He’s an awful manager, and should step down. He has a sick sence of hummor that’s for sure.

    Sorry this comment is like a post. I didn’t mean for it to be. But I guess I’ve been struggleing with the same things for a while now too.

    • arminta Says:

      Thanks, Jen. Even though Aunt C fell out over the whole debacle with G’s mom, obviously I don’t wish her this and it’s tearing G apart.

      Yes, I was also raised in a church that was just messed up. Not quite as bad as what you’ve described, but things like the pastor’s daughter got knocked up in high school and they told everyone she was raped (she was NOT, just good ol’ fashioned messing around with her boyfriend), but then they sent her away and the baby was adopted out (she wanted an abortion, so the adoption may have been her idea). My Dad was supposed to be the youth pastor, but he had no problem beating us with 2×4’s during the week for “disrespecting” him (which was just the excuse for having done anything at all he didn’t like, or heaven forbid actually disagreeing with him on something). Of course, a smile was mandatory on Sunday. All the families were like that though. It was awful.

      I could go on and on… But I won’t, seeing as I already wrote a whole post on it 🙂

  2. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    Hey hon… first up, I’m praying and thinking about your aunt. Cancer is a scary scary bitch. Hang in there.

    Second, I am going to offer a response that might get me into some trouble, but it’s what I believe.

    There is a lot of crap in the world. It’s ugly and evil and painful. Why did I have to lose two babies? Why has my mom had cancer 5 times? Wars, famine, destruction around the world? Did God make this happen?

    I don’t believe he did. He created us in his image, but we (as the human race) screwed up. We didn’t play by the rules. I know it’s not cool to say so, but our sin and our pride brought these things into the world. Don’t mistake me, I’m not saying that you or I did something terrible and that’s why we lost our babies. I’m saying that we are born with a sinful nature that has corrupted what God intended us to be. And that nature is what separates us from him, and from the good things that he wanted for us.

    You asked about God’s plan… as in ‘he has a plan that involves all these horrible things?’ I don’t believe that he wants us to suffer, but when we face suffering, as a part of our sinful nature, but can he use it? Absolutely! He can use our pain to draw us to him, teach us how to rely on his strength (because our own is pitiful). And he can help us through the ugliness and give us hope.

    Your questions are good questions… they are honest and real. There’s nothing wrong with asking questions, and people who claim to be believers, but are offended by your questions need to spend some time truly thinking about their faith and not just accepting what was fed to them in Sunday School. God gave us brains… faith and critical thinking aren’t mutually exclusive.

    I’m sorry if this was preachy. I didn’t intend it to be. And I hope it helped a little.


    • arminta Says:

      Hey lady! Thank you. She is a breast cancer survivor, and for some reason that makes it scarier for us. Like she’s already “cheated” cancer once.

      You could never get in trouble with me! I love you and welcome ALL viewpoints!

      You raise a good point though. I don’t think God made the bad stuff happen. I think it’s more like he was playing The Sims (or SimCity) and left us running while he went to work, and forgot about us and just left us running. Maybe he’ll come back and clean up the mess, or maybe he’ll do what I always did when I left SimCity running while I was at work and came home to find natural disasters and riots destroyed my city… delete us and start over.

      (Not preachy and it did help a little.)

  3. honestly, I don’t know what to say about this. I myself have struggled throughout my life to find the faith/belief system that just felt “right”. I finally settled on paganism. I believe in a spiritual “higher power” and I believe in getting back what you put into the world. I still have issues with a lot of this, as anyone who has lost children does- the questions of “why me” are always there like a bruise we poke at every so often just to see if it’s still there and still hurts. I don’t believe “God” causes bad things to happen, I think he/she is just as powerless as we are to stop them.

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