Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Hello Old Friend February 22, 2012

Filed under: Pregnant — arminta @ 1:25 am

Raise your hand if you predicted my little sanguine attitude re: pregnancy #88,931 wasn’t gonna last.

 

** am assuming all hands are raised **

 

Yesterday I had myself convinced (CONVINCED) that the baby was dead. I am not nearly as nauseous as I’ve been at this point in other pregnancies. I am zombie-like tired, and for too long I’ve been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. But, I’m not nauseous “like I should be.” So, I convinced myself the baby was dead. I was certain we’d show up Friday morning for the u/s and find nothing but an empty sac or a small fetus with no heartbeat or a good sized fetus with a heartbeat in a tube. Of course, Friday isn’t here, yet and those things still may happen. I’m not as freaked as yesterday, but not feeling so laid back, either.

 

 

Hello Fear. I didn’t miss you.

 

Part of this is normal, right? Everyone goes through some level of worry about viability until a heartbeat is confirmed. Part of it is fear over starting in the OB’s office. I’ve already been told there won’t be bi-weekly u/s’s in the first tri. There will be no ultrasounds between Friday and the 20 week scan unless something is wrong, or I want to pay out of pocket for it. It is entirely possible there will be 2 maybe, 3 u/s’s during the entire pregnancy! WHAT?!?!?!? So, I’m a little nervous about that. And part of it is the fact that I’ve lost. I know that missed miscarriage can feel like everything is fine, when it isn’t. I really didn’t know Bean was gone until the scan. When I think back, sure maybe I was a little less tired and a smidgen less nauseous, but I thought it was normal moving into the second tri stuff. It didn’t occur to me that it was falling hcg levels…

 

Anyway, the peace is gone. I’m not nearly so freaked as I was yesterday, but Friday really could hurry up a little.

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4 Responses to “Hello Old Friend”

  1. Loss makes us crazy with fear sometimes. I am well into the second trimester now, abdominal cerclage in place, having already HAD three u/s and I’m STILL terrified that something will go wrong. Every day that I feel less tired, or less nauseous, the panic tries to set in. I have to tell myself to stay positive.

    You too, must stay positive!!!

    I know that right now, that probably sounds like a whole lot of pollyanna-ish bullshit, and maybe it is. I honestly feel in my gut though, that you were meant to have this pregnancy, right now, and that you will be blessed with a sweet little darling take-home baby at the end.

    In the meantime, I hope the rest of this week flies by for you. Deep breaths dear, and keep your chin up!

  2. Loss, IF, and difficult pregnancys make you crazy. I think its totally “normal” for someone who has walked in those shoes to be scared. That said, breathe. You have got to clear your head, and just breathe. That stress isn’t good for you or the baby.

    Crossing my fingers that the time flies till Friday for you.

  3. Mrs.Gamgee Says:

    Totally, completely normal.

    Even now, when I should be relaxing and confident, all I can think about is the possibility of pre-e, placenta previa, and delivery complications (like, if I need an emergency c-section, will they be able to get to the Halfling in time?). And being treated like a regular pregnant woman is actually a very hard thing.

    I have had a number of people comment on how this pregnancy must be so much less stressful, since my body prooved itself with Ginny. If anything, it’s worse. Before Ginny arrived, motherhood was just a vague notion. Now I KNOW what I will lose if anything happens to this Halfling.

    All that said, hope is a powerful ally. Cling to it, and cherish every moment you have with this new little growing person.

    Sending ((hugs)) and prayers your way!

  4. Krystal Says:

    Thinking about you over here, Minta! I imagine I would have the same reaction to a pregnancy after my experience as well. (((hugs))) keep us posted!


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