Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Feeling a Little Better & a Little Worse March 31, 2012

Better:

Being spring break and all, I finally bit the dust and conquered three rooms of my house. The kitchen, living room and bathroom are CLEAN, yo! My mom came on Thursday and pulled out the appliances and whatnot in the kitchen and got it really clean, even in the “invisible” spaces. Then she helped me flip over my heavy arse living room furniture, so we could clean under there, too. I found ALL the missing toys. Poor Bert’s been under there since Thanksgiving! So, I feel so much better about the house. It no longer feels like this:

 

Also, I did go food shopping and bought the stuff to make five of the Pinterest meals I was salivating over the most. So far one was awful and two were great. When these meals are gone, I’m going to start my juice fast. The hubs is in complete agreement on this plan. So, next week I’ll be back on the juice wagon.

 

I think I mentioned that I stopped the Arava. Which was the breeding un-friendly drug. We have decided to still spend a couple of months actively preventing, then we’ll re-address. Or, as I like to phrase it, we should have listened to Mrs. Gamgee in the first darn place!

 

Worse:

Holy sickballs, Batman! I freaking hate being sick. I have been sick less than normal, though, what with not interacting with the public on the daily anymore and actually building some kind of immune system with my juicer. But, this latest bug got me and Baby G square in the ears, nose and throat. He was really bad for a couple of days (wouldn’t eat of drink, getting on the verge of needing IV fluids), but thankfully forcing water and medicine down his throat seemed to have worked, because he’s drinking today and less cranky pants. He’s napping now, and has been down 2 hours, which is twice as long as he napped yesterday, so fingers crossed he’s on the mend. Because I am not. I feel asstastic! Gonna take a nap myself I think when the hubs gets home.

 

The brokeness is wearing thin. I miss having disposable income. Less than 2 years until the big credit card is paid off, though, then we will have money again. Hanging in there…

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Out of Control March 26, 2012

Right now, my life feels out of control. As in I have no idea where to start to get back on track. Or even where the track is. I’ve been drifting. Treading water. Lately, I’m just drowning… So, I need to get some goals in line and get my lazy ass in gear!

 

  •  House: My house is a mess. MESS. Embarrassingly messy. This is not me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate to clean. But, I’ve always had one of those houses where a quick trip through to pick up the out of place stuff was all that was needed to prep for company. Then I had a baby. And that baby came with stuff. A giant truck load of stuff. And it ate my house. And it overwhelmed me. Now my kitchen floor needs mopped, my toilet is gross and the laundry monster is threatening to suffocate me in my sleep. Unacceptable. So, what am I gonna do about it? Well, it is spring break… I suppose I need to clean this shit up. Then get myself a little plan together for keeping on top of it.
  • Food: I haven’t been food shopping in two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, we still have food left from the last trip. I could probably feed my family for another week or two without going to the store. Not wholesome or nutritious meals, but meals… Yeah, I need to make a shopping list and get my arse to the store.
  • Health: Pinterest be damned, I have to do a juice fast. At the end of my 10 day-er last summer I had lost a bunch of weight and my RA was starting to feel better. It was working. I need to get back on it. Give it a couple of months. Holy hell, if I could lose 50 pounds (200’s I could be in the 200’s!!!) and get my RA better in control my energy would SKY ROCKET. I need energy. I know juice fasting brings me energy. My hang up here is just how much I enjoy yummy tasting food, and the comfort of a nice warm, filling meal. But, I need to put that on the back burner. Temporary pleasure is so much less important than improving my quality of life right now. Those temporary pleasures will ultimately decrease my QOL, a juice fast will improve it. I’m gonna do it. I am!
  • Marriage: Yeah, so RPL and crazy families and conflicting parenting styles… not so good for the marriage. We haven’t had sex since we found out that Nora was miscarrying. That’s been like 5 or 6 weeks now. Honestly, I’m in no rush. I was going to say it’s the last thing I want to do right now, but then I realized I probably would rather have sex than properly clean my house… Still this is one of the longest stretches we’ve ever gone and typically for us, no sex is not a good sign. We fight almost every night. He’s driving me crazy. Between saying just stupid shit about current events that don’t even affect us, to totally killing me on the discipline front to making shitty-ass little comments he is driving me bonkers. I don’t know how to turn things around. I don’t have an action plan for this one. Maybe fixing the other things will help it?
  • My Appearance: The longer I’ve been out of the work force the rattier my clothing has gotten. My mom infused my wardrobe with some of her clothes she doesn’t wear, but… it’s still not quite a wardrobe anymore. I spend most of my days in pajamas, my shirts have stains on them and nothing fits right or matches. On top of all that, I need a haircut, my nails are a mess and my eyebrows look like Huxley’s. Good grief, why would he even want to have sex with me? Anyway, we don’t really have the cash to invest in how I look, and it’s been low priority to me (obviously), but I’m starting to think maybe it I spruced me up a little I might be able to kick this depression faster?
  • Homeschooling: This isn’t so much school as just doing activities with the littles. I started wanting to do something to enrich their little brains everyday, or at least a couple times a week. But, I don’t. I need to get with it, though. Even though the TV is valuable for a small bit during the day, I’m finding the more out of control I feel, the more TV we’re watching. Less TV more activities!!!
  • Business: Actually have a plan here! Am going to focus more on patterns. This will hopefully result in more cash… Have 6 more hats to ship, then will be caught up.
  • Writing: I have so many ideas!!! Must make myself write everyday.

OK, I think I feel better. At least have the start of a start of a proper to-do list.

 

METFORMIN!

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 2:38 am
Tags: ,

So, I was just reading on one of my RPL boards and it hit me that I was not taking the metformin with Nora. With Bean I stopped it right about the time they estimate he died and my RE called it coincidence. With Baby G I didn’t stop when he told me to. I didn’t stop until 20 weeks, well after the placenta had taken over. With Nora, I wasn’t on it at all.

 

Could this be it?

 

(OK, I know I’m grasping at straws and it’s probably a coincidence like the highly trained medical professional said… but… you can see anecdotal-ly why I might be inclined to take Met even though my cycles are fairly normal these days.)

 

See how I keep saying all done and then not really meaning it? Masochist be my name.

 

Hodge podge and What-Not March 24, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 5:18 pm

Because who doesn’t love to read disjointed posts about nothing?

  • Well, mama might have taught Mr. Man his first curse word. While adjusting the straps on his car seat from winter to not winter (that would be our two seasons here in Ohio) I may have said “damnit!” and he may have heard me… Ever since then he has been using it quite effectively. For instance when he pees on the floor (not a common thing but once every couple of days, and more often if we’ve gone out and he’s spent a day in diapers) and I say “Oh, bud, we put our pee-pee in the potty, not the floor.” He will respond with “Damn it!” Or, I tell Ladybug for the 81,098 time to not climb on the back of the couch he’ll chime in “Sissy, damn it!” It is adorable and completely inappropriate.
  • So, I tried to teach him to say “oh bother” instead. Every time he says “damn it” I say “oh bother”
  • He now says “Damn it! Oh bother.”  Will try to get it on video. at first i was feeling very mama-fail about it, but now, I’m kinda just going with it. He’ll grow out of it. He doesn’t hear it all of the time, so if he’s the only one saying it, eventually he’ll stop. Or get old enough to be told it’s inappropriate. Either way, it’s done. I can’t take it back. And it is cute. And it sounds close enough to darn it, I could flub it over with strangers…
  • I’m not looking forward to the summer. I was, but the big boys have been fighting so much and I’m just feeling so run down. Now, I’m dreading it.
  • OMG I’m feeling so run down… Part of it is stress. Between the massive sales in Feb, and being pregnant with Nora and losing Nora and the RA being all flared I’m just spent. S.P.E.N.T.
  • And I’m fat as a cow. Fatter than I’ve been in a while.
  • I need to do another juice fast. A longer one. Then, I need to keep shit in check when I come off of it. Which I did a fairly OK job of last time. But have been slipping hard core recently. Which of course only makes the spent-ness even worse.
  • I can’t do a juice fast because, duh, pinterest.
  • Oh depression, how I hate your bitter cycle…
  • Change of topic! RA… So, I saw Dr. Rheumy week before last. As we’re no longer on the breeding track, she prescribed new meds. They not only helped not at all, they also gave me a debilitating headache for a week. So, I decided not to go down that path. I’ll stick to my current meds and hopefully get out of this funk enough to start bringing things around with nutrition. Which is also conducive to breeding.
  • Because seriously, I cannot fathom never being pregnant again.
  • I also can’t fathom ever being pregnant again.
  • So, while we’re at this impasse, might as well not do anything chancy from the breeding standpoint. Especially anything chancy that isn’t helping.
  • Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure if there was magic shot that would make getting pregnant ever again impossible, but would also make me feel better and lose weight? I think I’d take it right now. Which is easy to say, as it’s completely hypothetical.
 

Not So Private… March 15, 2012

Filed under: Completely and Entirely Unrelated to IF,Family — arminta @ 12:24 pm
Tags: ,

So, it appears I’m being stalked. Awesome.

 

Remember back when I mentioned that a lot of my search results were making it look like someone was intentionally searching for me? Yeah, well, 20 minutes after I posted this last night, my phone rang. It was an “unknown” number. Needless to say, I did not answer. I am not interest in speaking to anyone at 1am, let alone someone who feels they need to use an “unknown” number. As if I don’t know who it is.

 

As I’ve said before, I’m not letting anyone else dictate how I live my life. This includes how I blog. I’m not moving or shutting down again because someone else feels the need to be a nosy, busybody. But I do want to acknowledge that I know you’re there. You’re not slick. You’re not pulling one over on anybody. You’re not influencing the way life is lived in this house. I haven’t even mentioned it to anyone else. I won’t mention it, either. Because, I don’t talk about you. You are not a topic of conversation in this house.

 

Updates & Whatnot

So, I promised you an update on the situation La Diabla. Plus, you know, there’s other stuff going on, too. The world did not stop moving just because my body killed another innocent baby. Weird how that happens.

 

– La Diabla: So, G took Baby G over to Aunt C’s a couple of times on Sunday morning when I was in the throws of 1st trimestery zombieland. His Aunt C called La Diabla so she could come see the baby, too. Grr… Now, we have long agreed that she will not dictate how we live our lives. For instance, if we are out in public and she turns up, we will go on about our business. But, to me, this is a little different. I feel he should have left. Not because I wanted him to (although the thought of that troll touching my baby makes me want to hurl), but because he told her that he wasn’t interested in seeing her and that he didn’t want her around his son. If you’re going to say things like that, you need to back them up. But, that’s his business. He made it sound like he was unhappy that she turned up and blah, blah, blah, then… did the same bloody thing the following weekend. He’s not being honest with someone, and I think it’s himself. So, I cannot tolerate this whole pretending that nothings happened nonsense, nor do I want that unrepentant bitch anywhere near my child. In other times I might have played it cool, but now that Baby G is involved I actually stood up for my family and told G that she is NOT to be around my son. Period. If she desires a relationship with any member of this family (other than G, I have no right to but in there) then she will agree to family counseling. No counseling, no relationship. She’ll never do it. But, I figure if she does, we all benefit. If she doesn’t, I am able to say I remained willing to make things work, but that she was the uncooperative one. I’m not normally one for games (and I do think that is kind of a game, because I know she won’t ever agree to family counseling), but desperate times…

 

– Once again, I am so pissed that things have worked out this way. Because even though I don’t really like my MIL, she could be really useful. Not only that, we could be friends of sorts. She would be a good one for taking the kids out and couponing together and stuff like that. I wish we could have that kind of relationship. That’s probably why I set the condition of family counseling. I know it’ll never happen. I need to not even let myself think it. But, I do. I wish it could be like that. I hate that I wish that. I wish I could really hate her as much as I want to.

 

– My Health: Sucks. My RA is out of control, I’m in so much pain. I wish I could just feel good. Or, even OK. But, as it is, I’m always tired and achy. My feet hurt so bad and my left ankle is nearly unbearable by bedtime. So, I asked Dr. Rheumy for new drugs today. Strong drugs. Drugs that we’ve been avoiding because we’ve been pro-creating, and now we’re not. She gave me drugs. I am pleasantly stoned right now. I wouldn’t say I’m in much less pain (not that I expected to be on the first day), but, who gives a shit? I’m nice an relaxed. This isn’t really what I want, though…

 

– So What the Hell Do I Want?: Yeah, another big topic around here. Apparently I need goals. Not just for me, either, for the whole family. We need to stop drifting this way. Now that we’ve decided to actively prevent pregnancy, it feels like a whole new world has opened to us. More on this to come.

 

Screen Time and My Mushy Boy

I know I’m supposed to be all crunchy and everything. I am. But, my kid… not so much. He is like the anti-crunch. Co-sleep, not for him. Nursing, he’s had enough. (Cloth) Diapers, we don’t need no stinkin’ diapers. And now, he watches TV.

 

Simmer down now. I know I have more control over this one than the others. Thing is… I don’t mind it so much. I suppose I should, but, I don’t. Now, he isn’t watching Spongebob and South Park and all other manner of mind killing animation. No, he’s watching Sesame Street. We might throw in a few minutes of Dinosaur Train if there is something I need to get done. Every now and then we might watch a little Cat in the Hat if Mama’s feeling really lazy (or needs to get a boobie or two crocheted). But, mostly it’s just Sesame Street. And, my 18 month old recognizes about 1/2 of the alphabet. And counts to 4. And knows several shapes. And a couple of colors. And all the animals, and their sounds. I do mean ALL the animals. And he plays memory match on the kindle, and makes matches. And holy cow he’s not even two yet, I don’t think Sesame Street is hurting his development At.All. (I’m not trying to be braggy, just trying to make the point that the TV he’s watching isn’t slowing him down or hampering his development.)

 

That said, the AAP has scared my husband into monitoring screen time to the minute. Because children under two who watch ANY TV are bound to develop ADHD and autism and will likely become serial killers. (That may be an exaggeration of the actual AAP statement… Here’s a little more balanced article sans sarcasm, lest ya’ll think I’m making this shit up and not really reading up on the subject!) Once again we have a little disagreement in issues parenting…

 

I’m not wanting to let Baby G just watch TV all day. But… sometimes I need to do laundry and cook dinner and every now and again I do like a shower. I suppose I could just lock the littles in living room and let them battle it out while I get shit done. Or, I could turn on their little shows and know that they won’t fight, might learn something and will be much more content while I have to do something away from them. Daddy is of the opinion that I should “just do what they used to do before TVs and PBS Kids.”

 

That got me to thinking, what DID “they” used to do? So, I asked my mom. Turns out she used to let us watch Sesame Street! My Gran is passed and my Mamaw is not really coherent anymore, so I couldn’t ask my Grandmothers. So, I asked my great aunts (and their friends apparently, also how cool is it that my great aunts are on Facebook & e-mail!). Know what I found out? Of the 7 women that gave me answers 4 of them had a mother or mother-in-law that lived with them when their kids were little (funnily enough, for my aunts it was their hub’s mom that lived with them, not their mom). Over half had “live in help.” Of the 3 that didn’t, 2 lived within walking distance of a relative that helped with the kids. All of them felt comfortable turning their kids loose outside. All of them admitted they wouldn’t do that today. Not just because of crime either, one specifically said there were too many cars around now. You know what else they told me? The big kids watch the little kids. Like “duh.”

 

So, let’s see here, I have no family within walking distance on whom to pawn the children. I have no live in help. My MIL is a batshit crazy hose beast that can’t come to my house at all and my mother works 60+ hours a week. And, I have no older children to watch the little ones and probably never will. So, doing what  they used to do? No so much an option.

 

I now feel no guilt at all letting Elmo babysit for an hour a day so I can load the dishwasher, do some laundry, clean the breakfast mess and maybe one day manage to take a shower. If the AAP has an issue with that, they can feel free to suck it.