Yeah, no I’m asking you, because I don’t have a farking clue.
One minute I want to get a hysterectomy and never have to deal with the bullshit that is pregnancy loss ever again. No more cycles, no more heartbreak. No more kicks, no more itty bitties.
Then again… there might not be more kicks and itty bitties regardless. Which is SO UNFAIR! Holy Fuck it’s unfair. To me, yes, definitely. To G, as well. But to Baby G, too. What has he done to deserve this? I don’t think he gets the whole he could have a baby of his very own thing, yet… but, every time we’re out and about he’s like a baby seeking missile. He LOVES babies. He talks to them and tries to touch them and shows them to me like “look, Mom, I found another one, aren’t they AWESOME!!!” (what he actually says is “Ooooh, baby! Ma, ma, baby!” or something to that effect).
Where was I?
Right, what to do…
So, waffling about whether to try again ever. Also, my RA is asstacular right now. I can’t take anything new for it because it’s not safe, though. Honestly, I kind of wonder if the new pain med I was taking until the + test contributed to the very bad-sad ending of the life of Nora. So, I’ve been just living with the pain, planning to gets knocked up again. Now, I’m wondering if it’s worth it. Maybe we should call a hiatus and spend a year doing the health/RA control thing and try again later?
That sounds great, except… Big C and Lil C are three years apart and they HATE each other. Part of that is the fault of the grown-ups for not nurturing a better relationship between them. Part of it really is the unfavorable age difference, though. If we tried for 5 years apart, though, we’re getting into 40 year old Daddy territory. I know lots of peeps has kids into their 40’s and bravo to them. I wanted to be DONE at 30, not starting at 30. Daddy is not keen on having a newborn in his 40’s. Though this is something we may change our minds on in time…
Because of this, we really feel it’s now or never. Plus, the chances of conceiving again and the baby being more genetically normal are higher in the first few cycles after a miscarriage.
Miscarriage… I love how clean that word is. It does not match the experience I had yesterday, at all. I see now why the doctors were pushing the D&C and… though it would have cost a few hundred dollars and put me out of commission for a couple of days, I should have done it. I never want to go through that again.
OK, tangent over. So, what to do… You may think we don’t have to decide right away, but, in fact we do. I have all kinds of appointments this week and next with the peoples that make this shit happen.
OK, I’m going to watch the Walking Dead and get really drunk now.