Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Health, It Sucks May 25, 2012

So, part of my appt with Dr Rheumy was getting my routine blood work done. The MGUS levels are all staying pretty normal, thankfully. No one’s too worried about that right now (yay!).

 

But, as you are all well aware I’ve been in a depressed funk for a while and OMG THE PAIN. So, she ran some tests to look for other issues.

 

And found one. FUCK!

 

You know vitamin D is important shit, right? I knew it prevented rickets, but otherwise wasn’t too sure what it was doing. Turns out it’s a hormone, and is involved in all kinds of body functions. If your vitamin D is low you can’t absorb calcium, or lose weight. And if it gets too low you’re at risk for organ (especially heart) failure. So that seems like a big deal. Turns out I am “severely” vitamin D deficient.

 

How severely? Well, “optimum” levels are 50-80. 30 is the lowest possible “normal” reading. Organ failure and rickets concerns start at 5. Mine is a 6.

 

Spent the morning in the sun with the small people. Have giant ass supplements to take (prescription strength vitamin D, what, what). Am probably going to die anyway. (being melodramatic…)

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Grief is kicking my arse

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 10:57 pm
Tags: ,

So, I’m still wallowing in grief a bit over here. Not sure why it hit me all of a sudden… I was chugging along OK, then BAM! Nora is gone. Bean is gone. The grief monster struck again. My family keeps saying “at least you have Baby G” which, a) yes, and I appreciate that and OMG I love that kid but also b) that’s not the point. If I was grieving being unable to conceive again, then, OK valid point (though still insensitive and rude). But, that isn’t it at all. I lost my baby. She was real and alive and mine. I love her and wanted her. I had so many hopes and visions of our little family. And they’re gone. Just *poof* the end.

 

Maybe I’ll get pregnant again, maybe we’ll adopt. Maybe we’ll choose to just be as we are. But no matter where the future takes us, Nora will not be in it.

 

I think part of what brought all this back to the surface was talking to Dr Rheumy about it at my last appt. She had the tact to be properly horrified by Nora’s birth and was very nice about it. She also said she couldn’t imagine getting pregnant again after going through that.

 

Of course, there’s also the whole milestone-ness of the week with her having been gone longer than she was with us and this being a big week in her life (were she still alive).

 

20 Weeks

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 1:10 am
Tags: , , ,

I should be 20 weeks pregnant right now. We should be happily anticipating (or joyfully announcing the results of) our big anatomy scan ultrasound. We should be finding out who was right on their gender guesses. I should be feeling kicking and flipping and punching from the inside out. Baby G should be starting to notice Mom-Mom’s tummy getting bigger. My Nora should still be alive and in my belly.

 

But, she’s not. She’s gone and she isn’t coming back. My heart is broken.

 

Heavy Heart May 13, 2012

Filed under: Blogging — arminta @ 10:27 pm
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I had a “mother’s day” post planned out, but when I got home from my mom’s this evening I found this post at the top of my Facebook notifications. And, I have not stopped crying since.

 

I have never met Jen in real life, though we live within a two hour drive of each other. But, that does not stop my heart from breaking for her. I can not imagine the depth of the pain of losing a toddler. Especially under the circumstances under which she lost Ainsley. Especially after losing her twin. I can not fathom having to face the next day and get up and get dressed and make breakfast and put one foot in front of the other after suffering such devastation. I can not begin to understand how anyone can find the strength to explain to their 3 year old that their sister is never coming home.

 

Please keep Jen, Mark and Olivia in your hearts as they weather the loss of another precious member of their family.  This is so unfair. So. Unfair.

 

Does it Even Matter May 2, 2012

Filed under: Completely and Entirely Unrelated to IF — arminta @ 4:21 pm

** This was a juicing blog post, but I decided to post it over here, too… **

 

There are pre-fast leftovers in my fridge. There are fresh peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies on my counter. There are crackers in my cupboard. And… there are chili-cheese coneys at Dairy Queen.

I want them. All of them.

I want to feel full, and comforted. I want to chew. I want that emotional release that comes with eating a meal that you really want. You know that feeling of “ahhh! that was good.”

Which would be part of the reason I’m so fat to begin with… I’ve always chosen the “ahh” of food over the “ahh” of slipping into smaller clothes. Obviously, the “ahh” of food is much more immediate. Who doesn’t love a little instant gratification? I know I do…

So, today I spent all morning cleaning the kitchen, then playing with the kids outside and I let myself go too long without juicing. When I came back in I really wanted to just eat leftovers and crackers (I love pretty much any kind of dip-able leftovers with club crackers). I even almost convinced myself to go ahead and have them, call this day a bust and start over tomorrow. Or not. My logic?

Why does it even matter? I’ve always been fat, I always will be fat. I’m going to fail eventually anyway, might as well be my choice.How do I even know this will help with the pain and energy and RA? Who cares?

Ouch! Turns out I’m pretty negative when I’m hungry. So, I made a deal with myself. I’d have a juice, and if I still felt like being a petulant child when my blood sugar wasn’t in the toilet, I’d give in.

While I was drinking my juice (a delicious Asian inspired carrot concoction) I had an epiphany. It doesn’t really matter. If I want to stay the same as I’ve always been, I can make the same choices I always have. If I want to make a change, then I’ll have to make different choices. Not just now, but forever. It doesn’t really matter. The choices I make today will shape my tomorrow, but I have complete freedom to make whatever decision I want. One carrot juice isn’t going to save me any more than one coney dog is going to kill me. It’s all about the pattern of choices. So this one day doesn’t matter. This one choice, isn’t important. But, pile it up with a couple hundred of its friends and there’s what’s important.

Needless to say, I did not go ahead and eat my stir fry with crackers. I didn’t drive down the street and get a coney dog. I had my (delicious) carrot juice and several glasses of water. I’m still hungry. I still want to eat. I still half feel like giving up. But, I have one more good decision behind me. It needs some friends to help build some momentum. I think I’ll get there. I feel like today will end just fine and tomorrow, too. Maybe in a few days it won’t feel like such a struggle…

 

Mother Goose Day May 1, 2012

Filed under: Completely and Entirely Unrelated to IF — arminta @ 1:16 pm

Did you know that today is Mother Goose Day? Yeah, no, it really is.

Did you know that much like Shakespeare, we don’t know who the original Mother Goose (or Geese) was? I didn’t know that. Until I consulted Google this morning while preparing the kids’ “lesson” for the day. If we can count reading a couple of nursery rhymes and talking about Mother Goose as a “lesson.” I have always like Little Miss Muffett and Humpty Dumpty, but I read the one about the old woman in the shoe as a cautionary tale 🙂

What is your favorite Mother Goose rhyme? Do you read the “scary” ones to your kids to try to make them see that you’re really not so evil?

 

Higgeldy Piggeldy Hullaballoo

Hi! You like how I dumped all of my angst on you then disappeared for a month? I’m a bitch like that. I’ve been reading and trying to keep up with ya’ll, but commenting and writing are coming hard for me. I’m happy for you pregnant ladies, but am having a hard time with losing my Nora…

 

Lil G is obsessed with babies. His favorite non-Elmo video on Youtube is a montage of laughing babies. A 20 month old probably shouldn’t have favorite Youtube video’s, but there it is. We went to the museum the other day and he followed a little baby around for like 45 minutes. Every time she dropped her toy he handed it back. (I talked to the mom, she was cool with it and our respective big’s were playing in the same area, he wasn’t stalking her or anything…) So, I feel  really guilty that he isn’t getting a sister. Not that youtube videos and random stranger babies are the same as a full time baby at home.

 

RA is still kicking my ass. Mostly because I’ve been a real failure at sticking with the juice fasting. Depression + Pain = No Willpower. the first three days of a juice fast are ALL willpower.

 

I have been writing more, though. I have so many ideas. I guess what I’m really doing is “pre-writing” but I’m quite energized by it 🙂