Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Does it Even Matter May 2, 2012

Filed under: Completely and Entirely Unrelated to IF — arminta @ 4:21 pm

** This was a juicing blog post, but I decided to post it over here, too… **


There are pre-fast leftovers in my fridge. There are fresh peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies on my counter. There are crackers in my cupboard. And… there are chili-cheese coneys at Dairy Queen.

I want them. All of them.

I want to feel full, and comforted. I want to chew. I want that emotional release that comes with eating a meal that you really want. You know that feeling of “ahhh! that was good.”

Which would be part of the reason I’m so fat to begin with… I’ve always chosen the “ahh” of food over the “ahh” of slipping into smaller clothes. Obviously, the “ahh” of food is much more immediate. Who doesn’t love a little instant gratification? I know I do…

So, today I spent all morning cleaning the kitchen, then playing with the kids outside and I let myself go too long without juicing. When I came back in I really wanted to just eat leftovers and crackers (I love pretty much any kind of dip-able leftovers with club crackers). I even almost convinced myself to go ahead and have them, call this day a bust and start over tomorrow. Or not. My logic?

Why does it even matter? I’ve always been fat, I always will be fat. I’m going to fail eventually anyway, might as well be my choice.How do I even know this will help with the pain and energy and RA? Who cares?

Ouch! Turns out I’m pretty negative when I’m hungry. So, I made a deal with myself. I’d have a juice, and if I still felt like being a petulant child when my blood sugar wasn’t in the toilet, I’d give in.

While I was drinking my juice (a delicious Asian inspired carrot concoction) I had an epiphany. It doesn’t really matter. If I want to stay the same as I’ve always been, I can make the same choices I always have. If I want to make a change, then I’ll have to make different choices. Not just now, but forever. It doesn’t really matter. The choices I make today will shape my tomorrow, but I have complete freedom to make whatever decision I want. One carrot juice isn’t going to save me any more than one coney dog is going to kill me. It’s all about the pattern of choices. So this one day doesn’t matter. This one choice, isn’t important. But, pile it up with a couple hundred of its friends and there’s what’s important.

Needless to say, I did not go ahead and eat my stir fry with crackers. I didn’t drive down the street and get a coney dog. I had my (delicious) carrot juice and several glasses of water. I’m still hungry. I still want to eat. I still half feel like giving up. But, I have one more good decision behind me. It needs some friends to help build some momentum. I think I’ll get there. I feel like today will end just fine and tomorrow, too. Maybe in a few days it won’t feel like such a struggle…


4 Responses to “Does it Even Matter”

  1. jserra1985 Says:

    Hang in there! Making the right choice is hard… I know I’m off the low carb wagon again. It blows my head hurts, I’m bloated and cranky. That junk was not worth it.

    Here’s hopeing better choices comes easier… for both of us.

  2. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    Making those choices is always hard in the beginning, but as you make more and more of them, it will get easier.

    I’ve been working on the same sort of thing, only in a different area of my life. Housekeeping. I have started making a daily to do list with all the minutea of little things that I have to get done to keep my house tidy and not feeling like a lazy slob. It’s been three weeks, and I’ve only had a couple of back-slide days. And I feel the exact same things you listed on the days when I don’t stick to my list… does it matter? WIll Ginny or my Beloved care that I took this ten minutes to empty the dishwasher? Or sweep the kitchen floor? But *I* feel better when I stick to my list. And I like that feeling.

    One step at a time, right?

    • arminta Says:

      Oh dear lord don’t get me started on the house keeping! I’m hoping getting my health in better shape will help me get motivated to not have a messy house 🙂

      Yes, it is the same, though, small steps compound until they become a habit. One step at a time. Although, for the next week or so, you really ought to sit down with your feet up 🙂

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