You know what’s really embarrassing? Having an all out heaving sobs, pouring snot cry in the middle of Carter’s. Yeah, Carter’s the baby clothes store. Well, it wasn’t really in the middle of the store. I was in the bathroom. But, I’m pretty sure everyone heard me.
I have a kid. He needs clothes (OK, he really doesn’t, I have enough 2T’s to clothe two kids, but shit these clothes are cute, and my mom was buying…). This means from time to time I do go into stores that sell baby clothes. And usually? I’m chill about it. After all, I’m there to pick out really cute stuff for my really cute boy.
But, today, I saw this little purple dress. It was tiny. And, perfect. And, I totally would have bought it for Nora. Honestly, I almost did buy it, just to put it up in her little box. But, I stopped myself. mostly because I didn’t want my mom judging me.
Here we are at what should be 21 weeks. When I should have started shopping for her. (Even if she had turned out to be a he, we’d have done some shopping…) All of the pregnant bellies were just mocking me. And her clothes were just sitting there looking at me, waiting to come home and be washed and put away for her. But, she won’t be coming home.
My eyes must have gave me away because Mom asked if my heart was breaking and as I nodded the tears started to flow and the girl working the floor pointed me to the bathroom. And I broke down.
Shortly afterwards we paid for the stuff that was going home with us (so cute!) and found G and Lil G. I have rarely hugged that kid so tightly. The only thing that makes the hole in my chest shrink to a manageable size is squeezing my baby man. I’m tempted to go get him out of bed right now. (I won’t, of course, because he needs his sleep and it’s not his responsibility to take care of my emotional black hole…)