Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Oh My… Fail July 29, 2012

Filed under: The Fear — arminta @ 12:18 am
Tags: , , ,

Yeah, so my un-messing agenda lasted all of one day last week. Fail! Will have to work harder next week.

 

Part of the reason for the fail, though, was soul crushing fatigue on Friday and Today. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s CD22. Also, for those of you keeping track at home, there was sex in the champagne room after all (on the day I posted about there being none, oddly enough). And I have a low grade fever.

 

Trying not to freak the hell out right now. Because, I’m either sick or about to have another miscarriage. I’m hoping for sick.

 

Unmess That Nest July 25, 2012

Filed under: Unmess the Nest — arminta @ 1:21 am
Tags:

Right, so my embarrassingly messy house is really just part of my embarrassingly messy life. And, I is gonna unmess it! There are several categories that need unmessing:

  • Housekeeping – Duh, keeping the house tidy
  • Cooking – This isn’t really JUST cooking, it’s also food shopping and pantry organization
  • Fitness – This is just moving my ass
  • Personal Care – Broad category for everything from showering to Mommy time
  • The Barbarian Horde – Fun stuff, learning stuff, fun learning stuff, any stuff related to the small people for whom I am responsible

I debated about adding the marriage stuff to this list, but methinks for now it shall remain separate. Hell, who knows, I Unmess the rest of this shit and that just might work itself out.

My goal is to have one or two daily things for each category to get the ball rolling. For instance, I will be making my bed in the morning and showering is going on the daily list. But, the main thing I want to accomplish is to get into the habit of creating work time and “break” time. So, I don’t feel guilty about taking time to write and play. I’m thinking mostly about while the toddlers are napping, because when they are up there’s no such thing as work or break time. It’s all  about damage control…

Anyway, I intend to post more on this topic and hopefully it’ll get to the point where we can all play along together!

 

My Children

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:36 am
Tags: ,

While we were at the beach a couple of weeks ago (I want to go back!!!!!!!!), Lil G became fascinated with the pebbles in the lake. OK, the kid is obsessed with rocks, so I guess “became fascinated” isn’t really right. Anyway… he was playing with rocks. So, I was playing with rocks. And an idea struck!

 

Not to be immodest or anything, but I really like how it turned out… Then I proceeded to make one for each of the c kids. But, it felt incomplete. Nora should have been with us on this trip and she and Bean are as much my children as Lil G. Just because they aren’t alive doesn’t mean they aren’t my kids. So…

 

I wish I had known the others well enough to give them names. But, I didn’t. They are my babies, too, but honestly, at this point Bean and Nora are the ones I mourn and miss the most. Maybe that’s wrong, IDK, but that’s how I feel. It felt good to do something for them along with the living kids.

 

So often I miss the babies that never were, but right now I’m mourning the LIVES that never will be. The weddings and grand-kids and college years and family dinners that won’t happen are really crystal clear right now…

 

Identity & Cash July 24, 2012

Filed under: The Blah — arminta @ 2:21 pm

aka Things I Miss, like a lot.

 

** Before I delve into this landmine of controversy let me say this: I signed up for this. I chose to make sacrifices in exchange for staying home with my son. I have not been thrust into this life against my will. That’s not what this is about. **

 

So, I mentioned a few days ago that I miss having money. And, I do. But, it’s more than that. I miss being ME.I miss having an identity outside of meeting needs for an army of small tryants and one quite large one. I miss having things that are mine. Nothing is mine anymore. Partially because I don’t contribute substantially to the family finances. But, more because my name is Mom. Here’s how it works: Mom’s toouthbrush? Everybody’s toothbrush! Mom’s laptop? Everybody’s laptop! Mom’s bed? Everybody’s bed. Mom’s dinner? You guessed it!

 

Usually? That’s OK. I did sign up for it. I do love it. Usually. But, sometimes? I want my own fucking dinner! and? I’d prefer it to be warm. Sometimes? I want to take a goddamn shower without having to worry about toddlers destroying my house! Every now and then? I want to sleeping until I wake up on my own. Cry me a river, right? The plight of every mom. But, it doesn’t change the fact that I feel this way. Now.

 

But, that’s really only part of the identity issue. The other part, I think, stems from the fact that I was so old (relatively) when I started my family. See, I was already used to a certain life. I had a fair bit of money (between us we brought in *just* over six figures, of which my contribution was about 2/3), enough that I never had to worry about things like eating out (duh, how’d you think my ass got so fat) or buying gadgets or fancy cable or the latest cell phone. If I wanted something, I bought it. Sure, I racked up HUGE credit card bills, but I I could afford to pay them. It is a GIANT adjustment to go from that to $500 a month to feed the family. Period. And, preferably we like to not use all of that because any extra we can scrounge up really needs to go to medical bills. I am SO not used to not being able to pay every bill I receive as soon as it comes in. I hadn’t had to worry about that in a LONG time. That money was part of my identity. Not just the money, but the lifestyle. The drinks after work, the shopping, the present buying. I love buying presents. I’m not going to lie. I miss that.

 

As much as I hated my last boss, I miss my work, too. I miss feeling good at what I do. Wanna know a secret? Software consulting is lower pressure than raising children. If I screwed up a project at work, or missed a deadline it was fixable. Sure, people would be pissed (most of all me, I hate missing deadlines), but it could be corrected. No one would be scarred for life. No one’s future hinged on my job being done flawlessly. No one cried. No one screamed (save my last boss, asshole). I miss that lower pressure life. I miss hearing things like “good job” and “thank you.”

 

I miss having the freedom to come and go as I please. I miss being able to run to the store or to Target whenever the mood strikes. I miss not being able to pop out and have drinks with a friend without having to face an inquisition, and crying and general hysteria because “OMG Mommy’s leaving for an hour!!!!! We have no idea how to fend for ourselves for a whole hour without Mommy!!!”

 

I suspect all of these things would be a little easier to deal with if the finances weren’t so tight. I further suspect that I wouldn’t be wound so tight if it wasn’t just dealing with my own kid. Having my sister’s kids all day is really taking its’ toll. Big C is almost 9. You know how most kids start that pre-teen mouthy, lippy, know-it-all phase around 9? Now, combine that with ADHD and ODD. Fun! He completely fucked my plans last weekend AND got me and my sister in a fight. Lil C, well, actually (and this is a HUGE change from when he first started coming here) I could deal with just Lil G and Lil C. Ladybug… yeah, that one’s about to get kicked out on her ear. She is bad. I don’t know any other way to put it. Big C was hyper, but still controlled. He rarely broke things. Lil C was whiny, but didn’t get into everything. Ladybug? Into everything, breaks stuff, makes big messes, fights, bites, hits, kicks, tells me to “shut up” 100 times a day. I love her, but she’s killing me.

 

So there’s all that…

 

Then there’s the whole “what to do with my time” thing. Obviously, I want to be the best mommy and nanny. And, I have to keep the house clean (which I’m horrible at, really I should be fired from that job). But there’s all this “other” stuff that I was really looking forward to. I thought I’d have time for and would enjoy and be able to do. The Etsy shop is one thing, but I thought I’d have time to write and do mommy & me classes and be more. I had this idea in my mind of taking these kids to the park and museum and writing in the afternoon while the big ones played and little ones napped and having a clean house when my hubs got home. Instead? My house is a mess, I have 3 half finished outlines that I haven’t written chapter one for, my Etsy shop is limping along (mostly my own fault for not putting more effort into it), we rarely go out, I don’t even shower everyday, and overall I’d say I mostly just feel like I’m treading water.

 

So, instead of doing anything about it I’m pissing and moaning on the internet, because I’m so overwhelmed the thought of tackling it is scary and daunting. Much like my weight. I know I could/should make better use of my time, but I’m so tired and so overwhelmed I just can’t seem to get any traction. Which is the biggest hit to my identity. I’m a doer. I’m a get it done’er. I’m a make a plan, work your plan’er. I am not a sit a whiner.

 

OK, I gotta go DO something before G gets home from work and figures out that I’ve done nothing (well, except Sissy damage control) all day…

 

There’s No Sex in the Champagne Room July 21, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 10:34 am

Absolutely none. No matter what other co-sleeping parents of toddlers may say, there is no sex (absolutely none) in the champagne room.

 

But, Mommy sure does spend a lot of time on Youtube and reading shitty pop-lit. Because those are things you can do while the entire rest of your family snores in your bed. When you can’t get up for fear of waking the toddler who is allergic to sleep and scared of the dark. but you can’t sleep. Because you drank a pot of coffee for lunch. Because that’s the only way you manage to get jack shit done around the house. Not that you got that much done around the house. Not that I would know anything about that…

 

It’s been a long az dry spell ‘round here. (Yes, literally, too, but it did rain today, so maybe there’s hope, yet…)

 

Long.

 

Dry.

 

Spell.

 

I blame the co-sleeping. I blame the RA. I blame lots of things. But, ultimately? The fire is going out and I don’t know what to do about it. Last time we were in MI we stopped at a scenic turnout and *ahem* made a scene. This time? Not so much as a kiss. Anywhere.

 

We’re mad at each other all the time, or ambivalent. We don’t go out. I feel about as wanted as herpes. I’m sure he feels the same. We talk about having sex (or mention it in passing). We say that we should. Should. It feels like we’re each waiting for the other to make the move and take responsibility. I feel like he should make me feel wanted and loved and he feels like I should seduce him. If I’m being honest (and why shouldn’t I? It’s just the internet, here, it’s not like *just ANYBODY* can read it…) the lovin’s in our relationship has always felt a bit one sided to me and frankly I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it not being even a little about me. About it being his need and I’m just here to fill it. Maybe I used to have less issue with it because that didn’t used to be the story of my *entire* life…

 

I Love Lamp July 20, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 9:55 am

and everything else, except Mom-Mom.

 

So, last weekend Nana, Daddy, Lil G and I decided to make an spontaneous trip to our favorite place. Lil G LOVED it. He loved the water, he loved being on a boat, he loved seeing all the boats. Well, he hated the sand, but he loved most everything else. I know he loved it, because he said so.

 

“I love you, boat!”

“I love you, pirate ship!”

“I love you, Nana!”

“Bye, bye, Michigan, I love you!” (Being an avid OSU fan this one was really hard to take…)

“I love you, big, big truck!”

“I love you, Daddy” (OK, this one I mind less than the others.)

 

I think you get the point. The boy was full of love. And, still is. Since we’ve been home, the proclamations of love have continued:

 

“I love you, Sissy".”

“I love you, Elmo.”

“I love you, Ricky.” (As in Ricky Gervais, as in talking to a Youtube video.)

“I love you, raisins.”

Now, I’m getting upstaged by Youtube and raisins? The hell?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

 

My mom says maybe he doesn’t know what “I love you” means. I think maybe he’s fucking with me…

 

Here There Be Tygers July 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 4:47 pm

 

Lots of days I think my life is the cat’s freaking pajamas. I get to stay home with four of my favorite people and play all day. No schedule, no deadlines…

Yeah, today, is not one of those days. Today I feel like my life is purgatory. This is that place where I have to wait until the hell that is meant for me is completed. So, not a good day.

  • It might be depression. That old and faithful friend has been stalking me again recently.
  • It might be the fact that the female (and ringleader) of the hoodlum children has been a little monster. Seems harsh to call a toddler a monster? Today she has: poured water on my TV (my ONLY TV), left teeth marks on my baby’s bum, pulled hair out of Lil C’s head, poked Big C in the eye, poured a whole cup of water in my carpet, taken off her clothes and diaper to poop in the crib, flung said poop all over the nursery, and just generally been a grump in between these exploits. Yesterday, the little monster opened my pantry and poured out ALL of the open food boxes (2 bags of goldfishes, 2 bags of chips and a bag of rice), tortured her brothers and tore up a book. Seriously. It’s not like I just let the kids run roughshod, either. She does this stuff while I’m in the potty, or making lunch, or spending time playing with/helping the other kids. For each thing listed here, I’ve stopped her doing more. Monster, I tell you.
  • It might be that I just got back from vacation and OMG did I not want to come back. I really want to move Up North. If you know me at all you know I loves my Ohio sports teams. But… I so want to move to northern Michigan. It’s a whole other America. Or, Ohio is just full of assholes.
Haven’t smiled like that in days
  • It might be that I feel like I work my ass off for nothing. I miss money. There, I said it. I miss being upper middle class, instead of sucky lower middle class. There is a huge difference in lifestyle between the two. This one deserves it’s own post.
  • It might be that I JUST learned that Steven Page left the Barenaked Ladies.
  • It might be a combination of the above.

At any rate… I am feeling decidedly unmotivated at life. I am feeling very blah. I am feeling very much like hiding. Because that fixes everything. Seriously, though, it’s like there’s so much to do and it’ll never all get done and even if it does it’ll just get undone and no one will appreciate it anyway and I have to value or direction or goals and even if I did they wouldn’t matter and Holy Hell, can’t I just get drunk already*?

I haven’t done anything of value today, and I just want to give up.

But, I can’t. Because of this:

* Full disclosure… I received a bottle of tequila at my baby shower (so two full years ago), there is still a solid 10 or 12 shots left in it. I haven’t bought wine in months and the closest I’ve been to drunk in the last seven months was the three glasses of wine I drank at a Barenaked Ladies concert** the other night. So most talk of drinking is more of a memory of when I used to drink (which I enjoyed and remember fondly).

** Where I learned Steven Page left the band. How is this not front page news? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Ed Robertson, but If I Had $1,000,000 just is not the same without the duo.