So, I should probably write about something at least quasi-important, right? You are likely wondering about how Weight Watchers is going (2 steps forward, 3 steps back, AM FAT ASS FO’ EVAH), or what’s going on with our sleep habits (co-sleeping is back in the house, yo!) or even what’s up with the sex life (ha! sex life! you so funny!). But, I want to gripe about the worst book I’ve ever read!
Maybe my expectations were off when I started this book. I was told things like “It’s a really unconventional love story” and “It’s steamy, but it isn’t ALL sex.” To which I now call BULLSHIT! This is the crap my so called friends came up with to assuage their mommy porn guilt.
Yes, I’m talking about Fifty Shades of Grey. Blech!
OMG, I freaking hated this book. I did not hate it because it was about BDSM sex. I’m a “to each their own” person when it comes to what people do behind closed doors. I even enjoy a bit of kinky stuff, myself.* No, I have no problem with the graphic sex, or the kinky sex. What I have a problem with are the following:
- The absolutely HORRENDOUS writing. The writing in this book actually made me appreciate Stephanie Meyer.
- The fact that once again we have been duped into reading about a female lead character who doesn’t believe she is worthy of men’s attentions, and is therefore shocked that any man (let alone several men) want to fuck her. So much so that she hops into bed and an abusive relationship with a nut job, just because he wants her. Newsflash: If you have a vagina, men want to have sex with you. They may not want a relationship, they may not want to see you tomorrow, they may not act on the desire (you know, they might be married, or have some other legitimate reason for not screwing every woman they meet, like respect for women), but rest assured, pretty much every straight adult male wants to screw pretty much every vagina they meet.**
- The lead male character is so unbelievable. First of all, he’s a “real life” Edward Cullen. From the bronze hair, to the obscene money, he’s a fuck-able Edward Cullen. He’s aloof with a troubled past and we’re supposed to look past the fact that he wants to punish his girlfriend for disobedience, because he just needs to be taken care of and made all better. I’m sorry, there are signs up in the bathrooms at hospitals about this guy. He is ABUSIVE. Playing Dom/Sub in the bedroom is one thing. Having rules in the house that have to be followed or you will be punished? That is abuse. If you willing sign up for an abusive relationship, you are stupid. It is not romantic. It does not show how much you care. You can not fix him. Why the hell are we supposed to be fantasizing about this?
- Back to Bella, I mean Ana. Why are all female’s clumsy or sexy now?
- Did I mention that the writing was AWFUL. I mean AWFUL. I wish I could find stats on how many times the phrase “Fifty Shades” was used in the book. Other worn out phrases: Inner Goddess, twitchy palm, Christian and body wash, fair point well made and biting your lip.
- Who has sex 5 and 6 times a day several days in a row? Seriously, ya’ll is it just me, or does that not seem like WAY too much?
- Also, this guy needs no rebound time? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying a back to back has never been experienced in this house, but 2 back to backs in the same day? Also, I’m pretty sure condoms are moot after the first 3 times, because your body just can’t make that much sperm.
- A relationship contract? Actually, sign me up for this one… Of course, my terms would be a little different. Hard Limits: Taking out trash, using a hammer and mowing the grass.***
- I love British writing (hello, Harry Potter). I mean LOVE. But… this is odd. The writer is obviously British, yet she tries for an American feel (even setting the story in Seattle, which is as far from London as you can get, I believe).It doesn’t work. It’s like Robert Pattinson using an American accent. Something’s wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it, but it’s definitely not right.
Why am I going on about this book I hate? Because I can’t get the damned thing out of my head. It’s like the durian juice of crappy pop literature!
* or did when my life included proper sex… but, that is a whole other post for a whole other day.
** I’m talking grownups to grownups here, folks.
*** I have actually never mowed the grass in my life.