Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Festering Black Hole of Negativity September 26, 2012

Ya’ll, I’m sorry that you only get to hear the bitching and whining (mostly) and that I’ve been a piss poor commenter lately. Where have I heard that before? Oh, right, my every single post for the last year! Good fucking grief.

 

I don’t know what I was thinking taking on nanny’ing and a small business and being home full time. I must have been out of my damned mind. I mean, for real. I feel pulled in every which direction, am frazzled and bitchy by 5pm every day (am I maybe tired from staying up all night? you, voice, can feel free to shut the fuck up!) and never feel like anything gets done. I make a list, I blow it off. Am.Lazy.

 

But, I’m not. I don’t feel like I get a break, ever. So, I guess, all of my dicking around and blowing off my list is my way of getting a break? But it doesn’t work. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I just got a job. But, I’d miss my little man too much. Plus, the whole point of staying home was to raise him up right and that job isn’t nearly done.

 

So, you want a little bullety synopsis of what’s up?

  • Nanny life: My sister, the ever game player, has been telling her kids that they’re going to daycare. She has not told me this. She did recently ask me to reduce my rate because the boys were in school now. I had to remind her that 1) I didn’t raise the rate this summer or last when I had Big C all day, so why would losing Lil C for a couple of hours a day warrant a rate change? and 2) I now have to drive to get the boys everyday which costs gas money and is an added expense due to their going back to school, also 3) the new school schedule completely fucked the babies nap schedule so I now get 0 time without at least one baby. To which she immediately began going on about how broke she is and how my husband makes more than she does. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I wish that I was in the position to be able to watch the kids for free, but I’m not. That money is our grocery/household money. It feeds and diapers HER kids. So frustrating.
  • Also, Big C recently told me that his mother told him that I tried to “take him away from her” and that’s why they have to keep secrets from me. Oh my fucking god! There’s a big ass can of worms. For the record… I did see an attorney to determine how to best handle custody and substance abuse issues. A long time ago. When it was clearly an issue. I told her then that I didn’t want her kids, I wanted HER to want her kids. I told him “Your mom was not well back then and I took measures to be sure you’d be with family and not separated from your brother, no matter what. I’m very disappointed that she would bring that up to you.” If it gets brought up again, there’s no guarantee I won’t tell him the whole fucking truth.
  • As if that wasn’t enough, his ADHD/ODD is out of control. Probably partially due to the fact that his “dad” is talking about getting married. Partially due to the fact that his mom is playing crazy mind games. And, a lot to do with new school year/new school stresses. I have said umpteen trillion times that I’d take him to some kind of sport/class to help with discipline and with getting him into someone else’s hair. My mom has offered to pay for such activity. He has not been enrolled. He also has yet to see a behavioral therapist because “a girl a work has similar issues with her kid and a therapist didn’t help them.” So, why bother doing what’s best for your kid, right? I mean kid”S” because his bullshit stresses the other kids, too.
  • You know what else? My MIL is a bitch. Not new news, I know. This psycho actually called my husband and offered him $1k out of nowhere today. Because money is the key to making up for being a family wrecking bitch? Oh, wait, no, that’s a sincere apology, and actually feeling remorse for being such an evil, nasty, mean spirited, ignorant, crazy bitch. #NeverGonnaHappen.
  • But, here’s something that did happen… for some unknown reason my husband felt the need to tell this insane person that he wasn’t “allowed” to talk to her anymore because the therapist and I said so. Un-motherfucking-believable. Grow a pair of goddamned balls. No mention of his decisions. No mention of the umpteen million times I’ve said “you are a grown up and can make your own decisions, but, my son will not have a relationship with her unless she agrees to family counseling.” Which, personally, I think is pretty damned reasonable. No, he just throws me under the bus, again.
  • The counseling is a bit mixed. She’s spending a lot of time on teaching biblical marriage principles. Which, OK, fine. I mean the top thing she keeps talking about is “protection” and he threw me to fucking wolves just this week, so I’m starting to think this is a waste of money and time. Use the “talking stick” and you’ll never fight again… follow the bible and your marriage will be awesome. Whatever… Seriously, here’s how the issues stack up. His w/ me: I sometimes let the baby play with things he probably shouldn’t, I don’t keep the house as clean as we’d both like and I don’t like giving blow jobs all of the time. Mine w/ him: He doesn’t stand up for our family in a mature way with people who are attacking us, he treats me like the help, he hovers over me second guessing my every decision related to the baby, he spends WAY too much money and I’m left to pick up the pieces and the list goes on. There has been “some” improvement since counseling started, but none in the most major of issues.
  • My kid won’t pull down his pants and piss in the potty. Even for chocolate. Oh, he’ll go if he’s nude, but cover up that bird and he pisses every where.
  • I’m broke. Not BROKE, but “broke.”
  • My RA is crazy. Which is probably the catalyst for the depression and bitching. I actually found something that helps. But… it makes me sleepy for days. And, G bitches whenever I take it. Also, I don’t like the way it makes me feel (well, I like the longer term feeling, but the immediate feeling is to intense for me). So, I is screwed.
  • The icing: G asks me the other day “are we going to have another baby or what?” No, I’m not kidding.
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One Response to “Festering Black Hole of Negativity”

  1. cassiedash Says:

    Ugh. Sorry that things are kind of craptastic right now. I have zero advice, but wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and hoping things get easier on all fronts soon.


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