Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

My Children July 25, 2012

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:36 am
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While we were at the beach a couple of weeks ago (I want to go back!!!!!!!!), Lil G became fascinated with the pebbles in the lake. OK, the kid is obsessed with rocks, so I guess “became fascinated” isn’t really right. Anyway… he was playing with rocks. So, I was playing with rocks. And an idea struck!

 

Not to be immodest or anything, but I really like how it turned out… Then I proceeded to make one for each of the c kids. But, it felt incomplete. Nora should have been with us on this trip and she and Bean are as much my children as Lil G. Just because they aren’t alive doesn’t mean they aren’t my kids. So…

 

I wish I had known the others well enough to give them names. But, I didn’t. They are my babies, too, but honestly, at this point Bean and Nora are the ones I mourn and miss the most. Maybe that’s wrong, IDK, but that’s how I feel. It felt good to do something for them along with the living kids.

 

So often I miss the babies that never were, but right now I’m mourning the LIVES that never will be. The weddings and grand-kids and college years and family dinners that won’t happen are really crystal clear right now…

 

February 22, 2012

Filed under: Blueberry Bean — arminta @ 1:02 am

Dear Bean,

 

It’s been three years now since you came into our lives. I miss you so much. I can’t tell you how much I wish for a life that could include having you happy, healthy and alive with your brother. Sometimes when I look at him I wonder if you had the same eyes or nose or curls. I wish I knew the sound of your voice. I have your bunny on my dresser, with your puppy dog hat. Every night before I go to sleep I look at them and think about you. I love you so much.

 

Love Always,

 

Mama

 

Two Years May 15, 2011

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:27 am

Dear Bean:

It’s been two years since we learned you had left us. Even though I carried you in my body for five more days, today is the day I associate with losing you. Today is the day my world shattered. I love you so much sweet Bean. I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep you alive long enough to hug you and hold you and tell you face to face how very much I love you. You were with us for only a few short months, but you will be remembered and loved forever. Every time Mommy watches Twilight she thinks about you and how much you loved that movie. I haven’t been to the zoo since I went with you and it will soon be time to take your brother and cousins. I wish I could take you, too.

Daddy and I love you and miss you.

Love Always,

Mommy

 

Lies… and other drugs April 13, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage,We're parents? — arminta @ 11:27 pm

Remember when I said lies? ‘Cause we aren’t talking about drugs. But drugs are sexy and they make you want to click on over here and read my drivel. To bad the rest of my post isn’t as sexy as the drugs in the title! Sucka!

 

Right then, I had a point, no? Oh, yeah, lies. The little white ones we tell, ex-pecially “I’m fine.” It has occurred to me lately that while I am happier than I have ever been, and I lurves the shiz out of being Lil G’s mama, I still have a hurt for my angels.  It’s been there so long that I kind of got used to it. It used to feel like shards of broken glass in my heart. Now it’s more dull, more healed over, less sharp. But still there. Always there. So, with this on my mind, the following poem really hit home with me today… I got it from Egghunt, who got it from a credit-less source. If you are that source, please come get your credit. I am so not trying to claim this as my own.

 

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies, She never did before. But from now until she dies, …She’ll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is and because she can’t explain, She will tell a little lie Because she can’t describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is, She’ll say “I’m alright.” If that’s the truth, then tell me, why does she cry each night ?

Ask my Mom how she is, She seems to cope so well. She didn’t have a choice you see, Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is, “I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping.” For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth, Just say your heart is broken.

She’ll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine. But if you ask her how she is, She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

I am Here in Heaven. I cannot hug her from here. If she lies to you don’t listen, Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again, We’ll smile and I’ll be bold. I’ll say, “You’re lucky to get in here, Mom, With all the lies you told!”

 

I love what Michele wrote about the grief and how it becomes part of you, but you find a way to be happy, too. And that’s the truth, I’d have never believed this was possible a year ago and especially not right after Bean died, but right now I am a grieving mother and a happy mother. I have dead babies and a living baby. Michele’s words of wisdom, for any who missed them on her blog…

 

Do we one day work it out?  Does the grief go away?  Will she be back to normal?  As I shook my head, I typed into the chat window.  “No, you never are that person again.  You’re a mother now.  You have a new normal, and, one day, that grief will become a part of you and you will smile again.”

 

Bean Remembered December 13, 2010

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:05 am

This weekend was really great. We finished getting the lights on the tree. We did some Christmas shopping. G bought me Twilight Eclipse for my birthday. Baby G was his normal smiley happy self (of course, until 5pm when I-really-should-have-napped-and-now-am-exhausted kicked in, but then he took a nap and all was better). We spent today at my mom’s being all Christmassy and happy as a family while it snowed. All-in-all, great weekend.

 

Of course, as great as it was there was something missing. There is always something missing. But this particular weekend, that something felt gigantic. What we did not do this weekend seemed to linger in my mind all day yesterday. Because, what we did not do was celebrate Bean’s first birthday.

 

Obviously, we don’t know when Bean would have been born had (s)he made it, but the EDD was yesterday, 12/11. Making yesterday the first anniversary of the unfulfilled due date. Yesterday could have been his/her first birthday. But, it wasn’t. My Bean doesn’t have a birthday. Just a death-day.

 

So, the EDD came and went. No one noticed except me. It’s almost as if (s)he never was. But (s)he was. For 11 short weeks my Bean fought to survive. Slow hcg doubling and small for gestational age my Bean fought. But, the fight was lost. Mommy remembers. Mommy always remembers.

 

Broken Hearts June 20, 2010

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 10:09 am

Yesterday we had a Father’s Day cookout for G and my Dad. We had a lot of errands to run in the morning. We had to buy thank you gifts for Aunt C and MIL for the baby shower next weekend. We had to go to the diaper store (which will get its own post). We had to go food shopping. Lots of errands, little time. This is usually a stressful situation for G, so I let him pick the music (he’s big into country music, I need more variety). He put in a new CD that his brother had recommended.

This song came on:

and we both lost it.

On our way to buy diapers for his brother the truck suddenly seemed so empty, our lives so alone, without our Bean.

 

The Fear is Back in Town* April 28, 2010

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Fall Baby,Miscarriage,Pregnant,Spring Baby,The Fear — arminta @ 9:07 am

G surprised me with the bedding set I’ve been eye’ing. So, I had to set it up (sorry no pics the man hogged our laptop last night, so I couldn’t get them off of the camera) just to see what it looks like. Just to see the bed as it will look when MY BABY sleeps in it.

* Here is generic photo of bedding like ours. Will upload actual photo when I have access to my laptop and camera…

Then it hit me.

Bad move Minta… Surely you are tempting fate now. Not quite to viability, not even having had a 20 week anatomy scan, setting up baby beds. Bad Minta! If it all falls apart now you have to fold up precious sheets and bumpers. You will have to take them back to the store and explain that you don’t need them anymore. You’re in too deep. It it all falls apart now there’s a whole room that needs emptied, not just a few photos, books and cards to put away. What are you thinking?!??!?

This would be about the time when the tears started. Because, of course, I should be setting up a nursery safely about now. Spring Baby was due 5/11/10. I should have a baby already sleeping in these cute little sheets. Bean should now be nearly five months old. History is not on our side. History says no baby is coming home.

So, G comes in to find out why I’m crying in the baby room (still not nursery). And I very inelegantly explain the above through snot and tears. To which he says… if the worst should happen, I’ll take it all down and have it all out of the way before you get home from the D&C. He still thinks it’s a little inch long D&C’able babe. He doesn’t realize this baby is nearly a foot long. This babies feet are bigger than Bean’s whole body was when he died. There is no D&C at this point. We are now talking C-section or induction or labor without induction. But no matter, we’re talking delivery. Dead or alive the only way this baby is coming out is delivery.

G is now thoroughly freaked as well. Fuck!

So, yes, I’m being rather morbid. You would think that setting up the bed would make things feel more real and tangible. But in fact, bringing out The Fear and my natural moroseness.

(Baby actually seems to be doing well, heartbeat still rocking out at 150’ish bpm and either hiccuping or kicking the shit out of my bladder today. Have no actual current reason to fear the worst… Fingers crossed and finding wood to knock on now, damn, where’s that G when I need him!)