Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

To Try or Not To Try March 7, 2013

Filed under: Infertility,Marriage — arminta @ 1:52 am

For my entire life I wanted a big family. I wanted at least four kids, maybe six! Then, it was hard to get the one. Now, he’s here and things are good. That crazy fever pitch NEED for a baby, just isn’t there anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I get that pang for an itty bitty sometimes. Once in a while I think about how nice it would be to nurse another, or feel kicks again. But, it’s kind of like a chocolate craving, it comes and goes, but never takes over. Actually, chocolate cravings are stronger. They do take over a few days a month…

 

My point is, I don’t have that all consuming NEED like I did before Lil G was born. I’d be perfectly pleased to have another… or not. Which is all fine and good, except it makes planning for the future and managing my RA harder. I’m not ready to rule out never trying again (although, there are days I’m ready for a hysterectomy, usually the same days that the chocolate craving takes over). I’m not even ruling out doing treatments again (although there was a time I would have not even considered it). But, not today. I’m not ready for deliberate procreation just yet.

 

The husband, on the other hand, wants another. From a practical “when they grow up” standpoint, so do I. From a “let’s have another baby this year” standpoint, though… not so much. Right now, we’ve agreed to give my new RA meds six months to work, or be discontinued, then take it from there.

 

This is such a strange position. I wonder if we had never experienced loss or infertility if I would still feel this way, or if it would be a mad dash for more?

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Festering Black Hole of Negativity September 26, 2012

Ya’ll, I’m sorry that you only get to hear the bitching and whining (mostly) and that I’ve been a piss poor commenter lately. Where have I heard that before? Oh, right, my every single post for the last year! Good fucking grief.

 

I don’t know what I was thinking taking on nanny’ing and a small business and being home full time. I must have been out of my damned mind. I mean, for real. I feel pulled in every which direction, am frazzled and bitchy by 5pm every day (am I maybe tired from staying up all night? you, voice, can feel free to shut the fuck up!) and never feel like anything gets done. I make a list, I blow it off. Am.Lazy.

 

But, I’m not. I don’t feel like I get a break, ever. So, I guess, all of my dicking around and blowing off my list is my way of getting a break? But it doesn’t work. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I just got a job. But, I’d miss my little man too much. Plus, the whole point of staying home was to raise him up right and that job isn’t nearly done.

 

So, you want a little bullety synopsis of what’s up?

  • Nanny life: My sister, the ever game player, has been telling her kids that they’re going to daycare. She has not told me this. She did recently ask me to reduce my rate because the boys were in school now. I had to remind her that 1) I didn’t raise the rate this summer or last when I had Big C all day, so why would losing Lil C for a couple of hours a day warrant a rate change? and 2) I now have to drive to get the boys everyday which costs gas money and is an added expense due to their going back to school, also 3) the new school schedule completely fucked the babies nap schedule so I now get 0 time without at least one baby. To which she immediately began going on about how broke she is and how my husband makes more than she does. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I wish that I was in the position to be able to watch the kids for free, but I’m not. That money is our grocery/household money. It feeds and diapers HER kids. So frustrating.
  • Also, Big C recently told me that his mother told him that I tried to “take him away from her” and that’s why they have to keep secrets from me. Oh my fucking god! There’s a big ass can of worms. For the record… I did see an attorney to determine how to best handle custody and substance abuse issues. A long time ago. When it was clearly an issue. I told her then that I didn’t want her kids, I wanted HER to want her kids. I told him “Your mom was not well back then and I took measures to be sure you’d be with family and not separated from your brother, no matter what. I’m very disappointed that she would bring that up to you.” If it gets brought up again, there’s no guarantee I won’t tell him the whole fucking truth.
  • As if that wasn’t enough, his ADHD/ODD is out of control. Probably partially due to the fact that his “dad” is talking about getting married. Partially due to the fact that his mom is playing crazy mind games. And, a lot to do with new school year/new school stresses. I have said umpteen trillion times that I’d take him to some kind of sport/class to help with discipline and with getting him into someone else’s hair. My mom has offered to pay for such activity. He has not been enrolled. He also has yet to see a behavioral therapist because “a girl a work has similar issues with her kid and a therapist didn’t help them.” So, why bother doing what’s best for your kid, right? I mean kid”S” because his bullshit stresses the other kids, too.
  • You know what else? My MIL is a bitch. Not new news, I know. This psycho actually called my husband and offered him $1k out of nowhere today. Because money is the key to making up for being a family wrecking bitch? Oh, wait, no, that’s a sincere apology, and actually feeling remorse for being such an evil, nasty, mean spirited, ignorant, crazy bitch. #NeverGonnaHappen.
  • But, here’s something that did happen… for some unknown reason my husband felt the need to tell this insane person that he wasn’t “allowed” to talk to her anymore because the therapist and I said so. Un-motherfucking-believable. Grow a pair of goddamned balls. No mention of his decisions. No mention of the umpteen million times I’ve said “you are a grown up and can make your own decisions, but, my son will not have a relationship with her unless she agrees to family counseling.” Which, personally, I think is pretty damned reasonable. No, he just throws me under the bus, again.
  • The counseling is a bit mixed. She’s spending a lot of time on teaching biblical marriage principles. Which, OK, fine. I mean the top thing she keeps talking about is “protection” and he threw me to fucking wolves just this week, so I’m starting to think this is a waste of money and time. Use the “talking stick” and you’ll never fight again… follow the bible and your marriage will be awesome. Whatever… Seriously, here’s how the issues stack up. His w/ me: I sometimes let the baby play with things he probably shouldn’t, I don’t keep the house as clean as we’d both like and I don’t like giving blow jobs all of the time. Mine w/ him: He doesn’t stand up for our family in a mature way with people who are attacking us, he treats me like the help, he hovers over me second guessing my every decision related to the baby, he spends WAY too much money and I’m left to pick up the pieces and the list goes on. There has been “some” improvement since counseling started, but none in the most major of issues.
  • My kid won’t pull down his pants and piss in the potty. Even for chocolate. Oh, he’ll go if he’s nude, but cover up that bird and he pisses every where.
  • I’m broke. Not BROKE, but “broke.”
  • My RA is crazy. Which is probably the catalyst for the depression and bitching. I actually found something that helps. But… it makes me sleepy for days. And, G bitches whenever I take it. Also, I don’t like the way it makes me feel (well, I like the longer term feeling, but the immediate feeling is to intense for me). So, I is screwed.
  • The icing: G asks me the other day “are we going to have another baby or what?” No, I’m not kidding.
 

Out of Control March 26, 2012

Right now, my life feels out of control. As in I have no idea where to start to get back on track. Or even where the track is. I’ve been drifting. Treading water. Lately, I’m just drowning… So, I need to get some goals in line and get my lazy ass in gear!

 

  •  House: My house is a mess. MESS. Embarrassingly messy. This is not me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate to clean. But, I’ve always had one of those houses where a quick trip through to pick up the out of place stuff was all that was needed to prep for company. Then I had a baby. And that baby came with stuff. A giant truck load of stuff. And it ate my house. And it overwhelmed me. Now my kitchen floor needs mopped, my toilet is gross and the laundry monster is threatening to suffocate me in my sleep. Unacceptable. So, what am I gonna do about it? Well, it is spring break… I suppose I need to clean this shit up. Then get myself a little plan together for keeping on top of it.
  • Food: I haven’t been food shopping in two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, we still have food left from the last trip. I could probably feed my family for another week or two without going to the store. Not wholesome or nutritious meals, but meals… Yeah, I need to make a shopping list and get my arse to the store.
  • Health: Pinterest be damned, I have to do a juice fast. At the end of my 10 day-er last summer I had lost a bunch of weight and my RA was starting to feel better. It was working. I need to get back on it. Give it a couple of months. Holy hell, if I could lose 50 pounds (200’s I could be in the 200’s!!!) and get my RA better in control my energy would SKY ROCKET. I need energy. I know juice fasting brings me energy. My hang up here is just how much I enjoy yummy tasting food, and the comfort of a nice warm, filling meal. But, I need to put that on the back burner. Temporary pleasure is so much less important than improving my quality of life right now. Those temporary pleasures will ultimately decrease my QOL, a juice fast will improve it. I’m gonna do it. I am!
  • Marriage: Yeah, so RPL and crazy families and conflicting parenting styles… not so good for the marriage. We haven’t had sex since we found out that Nora was miscarrying. That’s been like 5 or 6 weeks now. Honestly, I’m in no rush. I was going to say it’s the last thing I want to do right now, but then I realized I probably would rather have sex than properly clean my house… Still this is one of the longest stretches we’ve ever gone and typically for us, no sex is not a good sign. We fight almost every night. He’s driving me crazy. Between saying just stupid shit about current events that don’t even affect us, to totally killing me on the discipline front to making shitty-ass little comments he is driving me bonkers. I don’t know how to turn things around. I don’t have an action plan for this one. Maybe fixing the other things will help it?
  • My Appearance: The longer I’ve been out of the work force the rattier my clothing has gotten. My mom infused my wardrobe with some of her clothes she doesn’t wear, but… it’s still not quite a wardrobe anymore. I spend most of my days in pajamas, my shirts have stains on them and nothing fits right or matches. On top of all that, I need a haircut, my nails are a mess and my eyebrows look like Huxley’s. Good grief, why would he even want to have sex with me? Anyway, we don’t really have the cash to invest in how I look, and it’s been low priority to me (obviously), but I’m starting to think maybe it I spruced me up a little I might be able to kick this depression faster?
  • Homeschooling: This isn’t so much school as just doing activities with the littles. I started wanting to do something to enrich their little brains everyday, or at least a couple times a week. But, I don’t. I need to get with it, though. Even though the TV is valuable for a small bit during the day, I’m finding the more out of control I feel, the more TV we’re watching. Less TV more activities!!!
  • Business: Actually have a plan here! Am going to focus more on patterns. This will hopefully result in more cash… Have 6 more hats to ship, then will be caught up.
  • Writing: I have so many ideas!!! Must make myself write everyday.

OK, I think I feel better. At least have the start of a start of a proper to-do list.

 

Updates & Whatnot March 15, 2012

So, I promised you an update on the situation La Diabla. Plus, you know, there’s other stuff going on, too. The world did not stop moving just because my body killed another innocent baby. Weird how that happens.

 

– La Diabla: So, G took Baby G over to Aunt C’s a couple of times on Sunday morning when I was in the throws of 1st trimestery zombieland. His Aunt C called La Diabla so she could come see the baby, too. Grr… Now, we have long agreed that she will not dictate how we live our lives. For instance, if we are out in public and she turns up, we will go on about our business. But, to me, this is a little different. I feel he should have left. Not because I wanted him to (although the thought of that troll touching my baby makes me want to hurl), but because he told her that he wasn’t interested in seeing her and that he didn’t want her around his son. If you’re going to say things like that, you need to back them up. But, that’s his business. He made it sound like he was unhappy that she turned up and blah, blah, blah, then… did the same bloody thing the following weekend. He’s not being honest with someone, and I think it’s himself. So, I cannot tolerate this whole pretending that nothings happened nonsense, nor do I want that unrepentant bitch anywhere near my child. In other times I might have played it cool, but now that Baby G is involved I actually stood up for my family and told G that she is NOT to be around my son. Period. If she desires a relationship with any member of this family (other than G, I have no right to but in there) then she will agree to family counseling. No counseling, no relationship. She’ll never do it. But, I figure if she does, we all benefit. If she doesn’t, I am able to say I remained willing to make things work, but that she was the uncooperative one. I’m not normally one for games (and I do think that is kind of a game, because I know she won’t ever agree to family counseling), but desperate times…

 

– Once again, I am so pissed that things have worked out this way. Because even though I don’t really like my MIL, she could be really useful. Not only that, we could be friends of sorts. She would be a good one for taking the kids out and couponing together and stuff like that. I wish we could have that kind of relationship. That’s probably why I set the condition of family counseling. I know it’ll never happen. I need to not even let myself think it. But, I do. I wish it could be like that. I hate that I wish that. I wish I could really hate her as much as I want to.

 

– My Health: Sucks. My RA is out of control, I’m in so much pain. I wish I could just feel good. Or, even OK. But, as it is, I’m always tired and achy. My feet hurt so bad and my left ankle is nearly unbearable by bedtime. So, I asked Dr. Rheumy for new drugs today. Strong drugs. Drugs that we’ve been avoiding because we’ve been pro-creating, and now we’re not. She gave me drugs. I am pleasantly stoned right now. I wouldn’t say I’m in much less pain (not that I expected to be on the first day), but, who gives a shit? I’m nice an relaxed. This isn’t really what I want, though…

 

– So What the Hell Do I Want?: Yeah, another big topic around here. Apparently I need goals. Not just for me, either, for the whole family. We need to stop drifting this way. Now that we’ve decided to actively prevent pregnancy, it feels like a whole new world has opened to us. More on this to come.

 

Opposites Attract – or Do They? September 29, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,Infertility,Marriage,We're parents? — arminta @ 2:36 am

Well, here it is the middle of the night and once again I cannot sleep. Despite being stuffed full of vicodin. What’s up? Anxiety! Since the accident I have been having a hard time with anxiety. My mind just races, I feel the need to be awake and listening for the baby and most of all I fear I’m letting something really important slide. I don’t know what the really important thing is, but it’s sliding and shall surely burn my biscuits directly. This is not a fun place to be right now.

 

Speaking of no fun, my home has become a bit of a battlefield. I have made no secret of the fact that infertility almost claimed my marriage. We came very close to calling it quits. But, with infertility, we had a common enemy. We were fighting together, and while it was hard, it ultimately brought us closer. Parenting is basically the opposite of that. At least it is for us. Now, instead of a common enemy, we have a common interest. For the most part we agree on the basics concerning the care and life goals for Baby G. But, the devil is in the details I’m afraid…

 

See, I’m pretty much of the belief that letting kids explore and learn and play is the best way to teach them confidence and curiosity and a love of learning. I’m kind of a free-range, attachment mama type. I basically let Graham tell me how much hands on interaction he needs, and otherwise I keep an eye out, but I don’t hover. If he cries, I comfort him. If he points and grunts at something, I tell him about it (and when appropriate, let him handle it). If he brings me a book, I read it to him. If he doesn’t bring me a book, sometimes I just read out loud, anyway, and see if he wants to come over and listen. If he toddles down the hall to his room… well, sometimes I just let him. I’ll keep an ear out and mozy down to check in on him a few (read 2-5) minutes later, if he hasn’t already come back. If he sits in his tent with a toy, I let him. Even if it means I can’t see him for a bit. He is in the same room with me, after all. I kind of think this lets him know that it’s OK to be independent. It’s OK to be away from mama for a bit. And, I also let the babies work out their own disagreements (to an extent). Because, I think it helps them develop social and problem solving skills.

 

G is kind of the opposite of that. He is a hoverer. That man has perfected the art of hovering. He feels the need to constantly engage/interact/check-on/follow the baby. Even when said baby is perfectly content, doing his own thing. G thinks the baby gates should always be up, so Graham can’t toddle down the hall into his room (or the bathroom!). G is of the opinion that if we can’t physically see the baby, we need to fix it. He also is big on holding his hands over furniture edges as Mr. G walks (yes! walks!) by them. And, it’s not out of the ordinary for him to do things like clear a toy path where-ever Graham happens to be walking and/or pick up tiny crumbs off of the carpet and analyze them for choking hazards. Additionally, he has been known to pitch small parts to the bigger kids toys (as well as move their primary toy bins to the basement) because they might be choking hazards. Because everything is a choking hazard. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He also feels the need to intervene in every minor skirmish betwixt the toddler duo, that he sees.

 

Opposites. That’s us. At the end of the day, we have the same goal. We want a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid who becomes a successful, happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult. We want to know that we did everything we could to give him the best possible start in life.

 

And, that would be where the fighting begins… our parenting philosophies are so different and our goals are exactly the same. So, nightly there is disapproval expressed at how I’ve cared for the baby throughout the day. (FYI… diaper rash can totally be related to teething. I don’t care what anyone says. I change my baby very often, ya’ll know my feelings on diapers, and when (only when) he’s about to get teeth, he gets diaper rash for a day or two. Which is exhibit A in the “Minta is a bad mommy” prosecution case.) Consequently, nightly, there is tongue clucking at how the hovering is going to turn my baby into a co-dependant pansy-boy. Vicious circle.

Except, you see, I lose. Because at the end of the day, daddy has never been driving when someone else ran a red light and nearly killed us all. Which means “daddy has never endangered the baby’s life.” While of course, I could argue that mommy hasn’t either (please note: was smashed by irresponsible nitwit who ran a red light!!!!), I can’t. Because I feel impossibly guilty over the accident. I feel like I should have seen it coming, I should have known. I should have stopped it. I know I can’t go back and I know replaying it in my head over and over again looking for the magically sign that I missed won’t do any good. But, it would seem we’re both holding me responsible for the accident from which Baby G came out without so much as a red mark, but which has left a deep wound on my credibility as a parent.

 

A Really Boring List That I Will Totally Understand If You Don’t Read December 13, 2010

The babies are both sleeping! So here is a quick update on the haps at casa Minta!

 

  • After thinking about it constantly for a couple of days, I did decide to test. It was negative. Well, G says it was negative. I am insane and always see some kind of shadow line. Well, this time it was there, then it wasn’t, then it came back. Which means I am insane. Because even when I don’t really-really-really want to see a line, apparently my brain still wants to see a line.
  • I will be 31 on Wednesday. Boo! But also, yay. I’m feeling a little odd about my birthday this year.
  • Enbrel has been restarted. RA relief has happened almost immediately. Oh, right, I never told you… I have been having the worst RA pain of my life since about 8 weeks postpartum. I have been living on the steroids, which has slowed the weight loss way the heck down 😦 So, I saw the rheumy and now am back on the drugs. Am starting to feel better already. She had thought it might take months…
  • Prednisone step down here we come!
  • Hopefully weight loss will pick back up.
  • Have now lost 72 pounds! Which is only two pounds since last time I told you, a month ago. Hence the joy at the pednisone going way.
  • Wii Fit has been resumed. I was too fat for it for a while (even not pregnant…) but now am back on track with it!
 

Be Still My Infertile Brain December 4, 2010

Filed under: Baby G,Infertility,We're parents? — arminta @ 8:53 pm

I am constipated. Not like haven’t pooped in days constipated (that just doesn’t happen to me, I pooped the day after giving birth), but like my poops are HARD. This is abnormal for me. This is sometimes a pregnancy sign for me. This has my brain spinning.

 

I was really hoping that after having my Baby G that this type of insanity would go away. That I would no longer wonder if every little abnormality could possibly be a sign of being pregnant. I was really hoping that I’d no longer think “I had to pee twice last night, and my poop was hard as a rock and I have a headache… should I test?” after getting through a successful pregnancy.

 

But alas, this is indeed how I am starting to think again. Which makes me wonder if birth control would not be a waste of money just to prevent this insanity. Because, we aren’t using birth control now. Well, unless you count pulling out and breast feeding. Which no one who’s serious about not getting pregnant does. But… truth be told we haven’t been that serious about not getting pregnant again. Our attitude has pretty much been if we’re lucky enough to be part of the “pregnant before the first postnatal period” group, then so be it. We always wanted more than one child and if they end up Irish twins, then so be it. If we don’t get pregnant again for a couple of years, then so be it.

 

That was our attitude. Which is why the haphazard birth control (the OB says wait until March to try again, which is why any birth control is being used, again if we can call pulling out and breast feeding birth control). But… if I’m being completely honest (and if I can’t be completely honest here, then why do I blog?) I don’t really want to get pregnant again right away. I’m scared of saying that and of attempting to prevent because I feel like if I miss any chances on purpose, then can’t ever get pregnant again I’ll regret it. The truth is obviously, after all we’ve been through another baby would be a blessing, and I would never consider it otherwise. I love being a mommy. LOVE IT. It is so much more than I thought it would be.

 

Which is why I’m not super thrilled at the idea of becoming pregnant again right away… Baby G just got here. I don’t feel like I’ve had time to fully enjoy him. I don’t feel ready to split the love and attention I’ve waited so long to shower on him. I’m so content with just him right now. And he is such a good baby. He is the very definition of easy baby. He sleeps great, he eats great, he’s smiley and happy most of the time. I just really want to soak him up. I don’t want to be shared, I want to be all his. For now.

 

So, I’m conflicted. My brain is so used to wanting to be pregnant that it sees pregnancy around every corner, and while I certainly wouldn’t consider it a bad thing, my heart is content right where we are and wants to enjoy it a while longer. Of course, neither brain nor heart has any control over the ovaries who may or may not cooperate with either of them!