Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Something’s Missing December 24, 2012

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 2:25 pm
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“This is the first year we haven’t had an infant around in a while.” – Said by my mother at the family Christmas party yesterday.

 

Except, there should have been an infant. My Nora should have been there. She should be a bouncy, bubbly, perfect 10 week old. But she’s not and she never will be.

 

No matter how much I love Baby G and how much fun we’re having… something is missing and always will be.

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Duh, Depression, Igit November 1, 2012

Guess what? This is not going to be another long list of woe and forelorn! I mean it WAS going to be, then I thought “Oh my, you’re boring! That’s all you’ve posted in ages and by the way *yawn*” So, I decided to look back and see just how long it’s been that I’ve been barely posting and when I do it’s mostly bitching. Hmm, well turns out that started right around the time I lost Nora. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that you guys were all quite aware that I am battling depression… I on the other hand, was not. I thought I was doing really well, just dealing with lots of hard shit* (I am dealing with hard shit, but not literally because that would mean I was pregnant and I’m not, anyhoo we’re talking figurative hard shit). But, now that I look back, I can see quite clearly “duh, depression!”

 

I suppose part of this revelation came from G. He asked the marriage counselor last week if he could stop coming and just send me alone. When she asked what the hell that was all about he whispered “I think she’s depressed.” At which point the counselor looked at me and I burst into tears and said “No I’m not, my life is just spiraling out of control, everything is upside down and I’m getting fatter and fatter and my health is shit and the kids are bad and why can’t I just sleep for like 4 days, then I’ll feel better and be able to get shit under control!” To which she replied “I think you’re depressed. Can you get anything off of your plate for a bit? I see you headed for a massive crash and burn.”

 

So, the next morning I decided to take it easy. Play with the babies, do some crochet work and mostly just chill. For real, not like my normal escapism, but really relax with the littles. I also started some baby steps towards getting the house and everything else back under control. It’s been a week and I’m feeling ever so much better. Not BETTER, but getting there. One of the baby steps I’m taking is finding things to get out of my house everyday. Obviously, if I’m feeling suffocated by stuff, there’s too much of it. Amazingly, getting just 20 misc. items out of the house made a HUGE difference. That’s good. (Iffin’s you want to do a little baby stepping with me, here’s the blog I’m following along to http://moneysavingmom.com/2012/05/4-weeks-to-a-more-organized-home-printable-checklist-and-daily-email-reminders.html)

 

Also, under the advice of the counselor I’m letting G do stuff around the house. As much as I can. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to deal with him touching my dishwasher or laundry, but… I am not letting it rankle me so much when he does things like put toys away (even in the wrong bins) or get Lil G ready for bed (even in out of season jammies, before his bath and giving him a second milk bottle). This is big for me, guys. Super duper big. It seems more stressful at first, but then it isn’t. It’s really weird. For real, I’m not one that lets people help me, this is gigantic.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know I’ve finally seen the light and am working on not being so boring and whiny 🙂

 

* Hard Shit:

– Nieces in foster care, one is angry at the world the other ran away for two weeks (to be with her sexually abusive bio-dad) and is now in jeuvenille detention.

– Mom moved out of state. My mom. The only person G would let babysit. My best friend. My mommy**. Moved.

– Big C is such a challenge. I love him, but Whole E. Hell that kid tests my patience.

– Someone gave Lil G the memo that he is two now and terribleness has commenced 🙂

– My psycho-MIL is amping up again.

– RA can suck my ballz.

– Where my money? I need, I need cash.

 

** Yes, I am a grown ass woman that calls her mother “Mommy,” deal with it.

 

My Children July 25, 2012

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:36 am
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While we were at the beach a couple of weeks ago (I want to go back!!!!!!!!), Lil G became fascinated with the pebbles in the lake. OK, the kid is obsessed with rocks, so I guess “became fascinated” isn’t really right. Anyway… he was playing with rocks. So, I was playing with rocks. And an idea struck!

 

Not to be immodest or anything, but I really like how it turned out… Then I proceeded to make one for each of the c kids. But, it felt incomplete. Nora should have been with us on this trip and she and Bean are as much my children as Lil G. Just because they aren’t alive doesn’t mean they aren’t my kids. So…

 

I wish I had known the others well enough to give them names. But, I didn’t. They are my babies, too, but honestly, at this point Bean and Nora are the ones I mourn and miss the most. Maybe that’s wrong, IDK, but that’s how I feel. It felt good to do something for them along with the living kids.

 

So often I miss the babies that never were, but right now I’m mourning the LIVES that never will be. The weddings and grand-kids and college years and family dinners that won’t happen are really crystal clear right now…

 

Oh the Places You Will Cry June 4, 2012

Filed under: Baby G,Miscarriage — arminta @ 1:37 am

You know what’s really embarrassing? Having an all out heaving sobs, pouring snot cry in the middle of Carter’s. Yeah, Carter’s the baby clothes store. Well, it wasn’t really in the middle of the store. I was in the bathroom. But, I’m pretty sure everyone heard me.

 

I have a kid. He needs clothes (OK, he really doesn’t, I have enough 2T’s to clothe two kids, but shit these clothes are cute, and my mom was buying…). This means from time to time I do go into stores that sell baby clothes. And usually? I’m chill about it. After all, I’m there to pick out really cute stuff for my really cute boy.

 

But, today, I saw this little purple dress. It was tiny. And, perfect. And, I totally would have bought it for Nora. Honestly, I almost did buy it, just to put it up in her little box. But, I stopped myself. mostly because I didn’t want my mom judging me.

 

Here we are at what should be 21 weeks. When I should have started shopping for her. (Even if she had turned out to be a he, we’d have done some shopping…) All of the pregnant bellies were just mocking me. And her clothes were just sitting there looking at me, waiting to come home and be washed and put away for her. But, she won’t be coming home.

 

My eyes must have gave me away because Mom asked if my heart was breaking and as I nodded the tears started to flow and the girl working the floor pointed me to the bathroom. And I broke down.

 

Shortly afterwards we paid for the stuff that was going home with us (so cute!) and found G and Lil G. I have rarely hugged that kid so tightly. The only thing that makes the hole in my chest shrink to a manageable size is squeezing my baby man. I’m tempted to go get him out of bed right now. (I won’t, of course, because he needs his sleep and it’s not his responsibility to take care of my emotional black hole…)

 

Grief is kicking my arse May 25, 2012

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 10:57 pm
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So, I’m still wallowing in grief a bit over here. Not sure why it hit me all of a sudden… I was chugging along OK, then BAM! Nora is gone. Bean is gone. The grief monster struck again. My family keeps saying “at least you have Baby G” which, a) yes, and I appreciate that and OMG I love that kid but also b) that’s not the point. If I was grieving being unable to conceive again, then, OK valid point (though still insensitive and rude). But, that isn’t it at all. I lost my baby. She was real and alive and mine. I love her and wanted her. I had so many hopes and visions of our little family. And they’re gone. Just *poof* the end.

 

Maybe I’ll get pregnant again, maybe we’ll adopt. Maybe we’ll choose to just be as we are. But no matter where the future takes us, Nora will not be in it.

 

I think part of what brought all this back to the surface was talking to Dr Rheumy about it at my last appt. She had the tact to be properly horrified by Nora’s birth and was very nice about it. She also said she couldn’t imagine getting pregnant again after going through that.

 

Of course, there’s also the whole milestone-ness of the week with her having been gone longer than she was with us and this being a big week in her life (were she still alive).

 

20 Weeks

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 1:10 am
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I should be 20 weeks pregnant right now. We should be happily anticipating (or joyfully announcing the results of) our big anatomy scan ultrasound. We should be finding out who was right on their gender guesses. I should be feeling kicking and flipping and punching from the inside out. Baby G should be starting to notice Mom-Mom’s tummy getting bigger. My Nora should still be alive and in my belly.

 

But, she’s not. She’s gone and she isn’t coming back. My heart is broken.

 

METFORMIN! March 26, 2012

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 2:38 am
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So, I was just reading on one of my RPL boards and it hit me that I was not taking the metformin with Nora. With Bean I stopped it right about the time they estimate he died and my RE called it coincidence. With Baby G I didn’t stop when he told me to. I didn’t stop until 20 weeks, well after the placenta had taken over. With Nora, I wasn’t on it at all.

 

Could this be it?

 

(OK, I know I’m grasping at straws and it’s probably a coincidence like the highly trained medical professional said… but… you can see anecdotal-ly why I might be inclined to take Met even though my cycles are fairly normal these days.)

 

See how I keep saying all done and then not really meaning it? Masochist be my name.