Guess what? This is not going to be another long list of woe and forelorn! I mean it WAS going to be, then I thought “Oh my, you’re boring! That’s all you’ve posted in ages and by the way *yawn*” So, I decided to look back and see just how long it’s been that I’ve been barely posting and when I do it’s mostly bitching. Hmm, well turns out that started right around the time I lost Nora. I’m gonna go ahead and guess that you guys were all quite aware that I am battling depression… I on the other hand, was not. I thought I was doing really well, just dealing with lots of hard shit* (I am dealing with hard shit, but not literally because that would mean I was pregnant and I’m not, anyhoo we’re talking figurative hard shit). But, now that I look back, I can see quite clearly “duh, depression!”
I suppose part of this revelation came from G. He asked the marriage counselor last week if he could stop coming and just send me alone. When she asked what the hell that was all about he whispered “I think she’s depressed.” At which point the counselor looked at me and I burst into tears and said “No I’m not, my life is just spiraling out of control, everything is upside down and I’m getting fatter and fatter and my health is shit and the kids are bad and why can’t I just sleep for like 4 days, then I’ll feel better and be able to get shit under control!” To which she replied “I think you’re depressed. Can you get anything off of your plate for a bit? I see you headed for a massive crash and burn.”
So, the next morning I decided to take it easy. Play with the babies, do some crochet work and mostly just chill. For real, not like my normal escapism, but really relax with the littles. I also started some baby steps towards getting the house and everything else back under control. It’s been a week and I’m feeling ever so much better. Not BETTER, but getting there. One of the baby steps I’m taking is finding things to get out of my house everyday. Obviously, if I’m feeling suffocated by stuff, there’s too much of it. Amazingly, getting just 20 misc. items out of the house made a HUGE difference. That’s good. (Iffin’s you want to do a little baby stepping with me, here’s the blog I’m following along to http://moneysavingmom.com/2012/05/4-weeks-to-a-more-organized-home-printable-checklist-and-daily-email-reminders.html)
Also, under the advice of the counselor I’m letting G do stuff around the house. As much as I can. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to deal with him touching my dishwasher or laundry, but… I am not letting it rankle me so much when he does things like put toys away (even in the wrong bins) or get Lil G ready for bed (even in out of season jammies, before his bath and giving him a second milk bottle). This is big for me, guys. Super duper big. It seems more stressful at first, but then it isn’t. It’s really weird. For real, I’m not one that lets people help me, this is gigantic.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know I’ve finally seen the light and am working on not being so boring and whiny 🙂
* Hard Shit:
– Nieces in foster care, one is angry at the world the other ran away for two weeks (to be with her sexually abusive bio-dad) and is now in jeuvenille detention.
– Mom moved out of state. My mom. The only person G would let babysit. My best friend. My mommy**. Moved.
– Big C is such a challenge. I love him, but Whole E. Hell that kid tests my patience.
– Someone gave Lil G the memo that he is two now and terribleness has commenced 🙂
– My psycho-MIL is amping up again.
– RA can suck my ballz.
– Where my money? I need, I need cash.
** Yes, I am a grown ass woman that calls her mother “Mommy,” deal with it.