Raise your hand if you predicted my little sanguine attitude re: pregnancy #88,931 wasn’t gonna last.
** am assuming all hands are raised **
Yesterday I had myself convinced (CONVINCED) that the baby was dead. I am not nearly as nauseous as I’ve been at this point in other pregnancies. I am zombie-like tired, and for too long I’ve been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. But, I’m not nauseous “like I should be.” So, I convinced myself the baby was dead. I was certain we’d show up Friday morning for the u/s and find nothing but an empty sac or a small fetus with no heartbeat or a good sized fetus with a heartbeat in a tube. Of course, Friday isn’t here, yet and those things still may happen. I’m not as freaked as yesterday, but not feeling so laid back, either.
Hello Fear. I didn’t miss you.
Part of this is normal, right? Everyone goes through some level of worry about viability until a heartbeat is confirmed. Part of it is fear over starting in the OB’s office. I’ve already been told there won’t be bi-weekly u/s’s in the first tri. There will be no ultrasounds between Friday and the 20 week scan unless something is wrong, or I want to pay out of pocket for it. It is entirely possible there will be 2 maybe, 3 u/s’s during the entire pregnancy! WHAT?!?!?!? So, I’m a little nervous about that. And part of it is the fact that I’ve lost. I know that missed miscarriage can feel like everything is fine, when it isn’t. I really didn’t know Bean was gone until the scan. When I think back, sure maybe I was a little less tired and a smidgen less nauseous, but I thought it was normal moving into the second tri stuff. It didn’t occur to me that it was falling hcg levels…
Anyway, the peace is gone. I’m not nearly so freaked as I was yesterday, but Friday really could hurry up a little.