Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Fear: It Continues February 14, 2014

Filed under: Baby G,The Fear — arminta @ 5:25 am
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You know how I spent my whole pregnancy with Lil G terrified of a miscarriage? Then, I was scared of crazy things like his car seat sliding down the driveway into oncoming traffic? Then, I was scared that I was screwing him up?

Well, I got over that shit. It took time. It took a lot of self talk. OK, I am still a little scared of the oncoming traffic. Pet Semetary, anyone? (In case you’re unaware that is the way the book title is spelled, I didn’t forget how to spell.)

The fear du Jour is brought to us by the St. Jude’s children’s hospital commercials. Been seeing a lot of these commercials lately. Do I know it’s irrational? Sure. Does my brain care? Nope.

I just wanna go home and snuggle my boy… Oh well, couple more hours, then I’ll go home and snuggle the shit out of that kid. Then he will go a his Grandma’s, by himself, all day for the first time ever. So I can sleep. Who wants to bet the St. Jude’s fear really stems from Mama having separation anxiety?

 

Oh My… Fail July 29, 2012

Filed under: The Fear — arminta @ 12:18 am
Tags: , , ,

Yeah, so my un-messing agenda lasted all of one day last week. Fail! Will have to work harder next week.

 

Part of the reason for the fail, though, was soul crushing fatigue on Friday and Today. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s CD22. Also, for those of you keeping track at home, there was sex in the champagne room after all (on the day I posted about there being none, oddly enough). And I have a low grade fever.

 

Trying not to freak the hell out right now. Because, I’m either sick or about to have another miscarriage. I’m hoping for sick.

 

Looking Back July 12, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,Pregnant,The Evacuation Plan,The Fear — arminta @ 6:45 pm

I accidentally clicked something earlier and all of my old pregnancy posts popped up, so I read though them. Even though I remember writing the words, it felt like I was reading someone else. I couldn’t identify with those feelings anymore. I don’t remember feeling so miserable or scared. I do remember being really pissed at my boss, and not wanting baby G to be premature, but not the terror over giving birth or fear of being a bad mother.

 

I wonder if this is a normal part of motherhood? If the hormones your body releases in response to the baby fuzzy up all of those memories and feelings to make you want to do it again? Maybe happiness just settles the heart? I don’t know. But, if anyone reading this is about-to-pop-pregnant and feeling petrified please read those old posts so you won’t feel alone. Then read this: IT WAS ALL CRAZY SILLY.

 

  • I was scared of not being a good mother or of not being able to feel connected to the baby… Ridiculous. Baby G and I have a bond that grows stronger by the day, but the first second I saw him I knew he was my son and felt a completeness.
  • I was scared of the birth… Bonkers. He had to come out. I labored for 24 hours to end up having a c-section. I made it through transition and within minutes of pushing, only to have a c-section. 23 hours of that labor were without any pain meds. I think I can speak for the worst of the pain other than pushing and for the c-section experience. I would do it again. I wouldn’t change a thing. If it meant having him here, healthy and alive I’d do it twice. Yes, it hurt. And being strapped down with no food? Sucked Ass. But, honestly, I don’t remember much of it. I remember a few contractions out of the hundreds. I remember a handful of moments of the whole experience. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have the perfect birth and don’t fear it too much. Be prepared to know what you want and how you want to handle a variety of situations, be ready to roll with the punches and make decisions on the fly and enjoy the process (however it presents to you). Most of what I remember are pleasant things, a nurse letting me take a shower, walking the halls with my mom (who I didn’t want to come and am SO GLAD she did), G sneaking me a Pepsi, G bringing me cup after cup of chicken broth (trust me, when you’re starving that shit is DELICIOUS) and Popsicles 2 at a time, and watching Alton Brown through contractions. Remember this: you will get through it. It will not hurt as bad as you think. You won’t remember much of it anyway.
  • I was scared that everything would change and life would never be the same… Duh! Everything has changed and life is SOO different. And I LOVE IT! I made a lot of money when I worked. We could afford pretty much anything we wanted. We spent a lot of money. I thought I would totally miss being able to blow $700 on clothes without thinking about it or having a $100 romantic dinner just because. I don’t. I’m not saying there aren’t times when I don’t wish we’d have saved more and spent less so that we could take care of unexpected expenses, but I don’t miss that life. This life is so much better. Maybe your biggest change won’t be financial… maybe yours will be sleep or free time or hobby time. You might miss it now and again, but you wouldn’t trade it back. Trust me, this life is better. I love playing with him more than reading while getting drunk in the hot tub, more than having six closets full of clothes (OK, three), more than sleeping until noon on a Saturday, more than daily showers, more than not having to keep an ear open while having sex, more than knitting and crocheting combined and more than midnight Harry Potter premiers. (Keeping honest, I’m totally making this one, because, duh, it’s the last one, but I did miss Deathly Hallows pt 1. I didn’t see it for like 3 weeks because I didn’t want to leave the baby. Me! Miss a Harry Potter! That’s freakin’ love!)

OK, I hope that’s been helpful to anyone out there that’s way pregnant and scared to death. For the mums-to-born-children: I hope you enjoyed reliving that time and can appreciate the difference in who you are. For the good-fucking-God-why-can’t-I-get-pregnant-and-be-worried-about-this-shit-too crowd: I so hope you get pregnant so you can worry about this shit too really, really soon. For everyone else: why are you reading this blog? No, but seriously, leave me a comment and let me know who you are and what about this blog appeals to you. Everyone else can leave comments too (and please do, I’m a total attention whore like that, one comment saying I’m missed and you get three posts, AM WHORE).

 

The Fear March 18, 2011

Filed under: Baby G,The Fear — arminta @ 12:48 pm

I have a confession to make… I live in two worlds. One is all happy and joy joy. Seriously, I love being G’s mommy and I love, love, love being at home with him. This is the life I dreamed of.

 

But, the other world is full of constant fear. FEAR! I cannot escape “visions” of terrible things that could happen that would destroy my world. Example: I am always terrified of getting him up from his nap, because what if this is the time that he’s not breathing. Or, last night at the park daddy was was holding Lil G in the air and I was overcome with fear that he’d drop the baby. I see the car seat sliding down the driveway into the road. I see me dropping the baby about 100 times a day. I am terrified of something bad happening to him and I see all of the bad things that could happen. All day. Every day.

 

And, I’m a filthy hypocrite, because I get testy with G when he tells me to be careful, while my imagination runs wild with all of these terrible images so I know why he’s so cautious.

 

Obviously, I don’t want anything bad to happen. And it’s not the same as post partum depression fantasies of hurting the baby on purpose. It’s more all of the ways the baby could get hurt that I would be powerless to stop. The images are visions of dread and horror.

 

I don’t know if this is a normal part of mommyhood, or if our losses have made me crazy? But, I wish it would stop. I want to live in the moment and enjoy and soak up every minute of life with my baby man, but I cannot keep the fear at bay. I spent his entire pregnancy afraid that we wouldn’t make it to this point (or tomorrow) and also thoroughly convinced that once he was born and my body couldn’t harm him, that I would lose the fear and finally be able to just breathe and be. But, alas, no.

 

So, I ask you am I the only one going through this?

 

Tuesdays are for Meltdowns August 18, 2010

Right, then. I am insane. It is official.

Tonight, I acted like a right loon over nothing. Well, not nothing. But nothing to be acting like a loon over. Apparently the stress has bottled up and chose to release itself quite inconveniently all over G. The one person who’s been there 100%. The man busted his ass all weekend, and I yelled at him over one load of laundry not being done. Because: AM BITCH.

What happened? Well, it started with my dad calling. He asked about me & the baby, but he seemed to have more on his mind. And, he did. He really wanted to talk about whether I thought it was a good idea for him to move in with my mother while he finished school because he was having a hard time making it to school on time because of work and he can’t miss many more days or he’ll be kicked out. Because right now, I need to be worrying about his stress, too. Don’t get me wrong, I care. I care too much is the problem. I worry about my dad. He’s not in very good health, he’s not in very good shape financially, and he’s not very good with discipline and keeping his shit together. So, anyway, I talked to him about his issues. Because that’s what I do.

While I was talking to him, G was getting frustrated, because he had bought me ice cream, that I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t paying him my undivided attention.

So, when we got home, G made a snarky comment about me being on the phone, the pug got under the bed (because the gate wasn’t closed…), I found that she had torn up one of my new chair pads and I spilled my melted ice cream (that I really wanted) all over my birthing class papers.

I Fucking Lost It.

I cried, I screamed, I tried to beat the pug with her leash (she ran under the bed). This is NOT my normal behavior. I completely went psycho. I told G it was all his fault for making the snarky comment, which started the snowball effect. Then I cried some more, until I puked.

I am not proud of this behavior. I do not approve of it at all. I had no control. Seriously, none. I was like a lunatic pulling at my hair, scratching at my face and screaming/crying. NO CONTROL. Scary.

Now I’m all better (besides feeling foolish for behaving that way) and can see that the things that felt so monumental at the time (I really wanted that ice cream) were quite small. But at the time? You’d have thought the house fell down.

So, for the second Tuesday in a row, I’ve behaved like a loon and it’s getting worse. If I make it to next Tuesday expect a change to a full on werewolf or harpy or something…

*******************************

For the record, I’m pretty sure underlying stress was the culprit… you know little things like:

– My boss is illegally withholding my paycheck for no reason and refusing to discuss it with me.

– I have a lot of work that I feel responsible to get done before I leave (potentially for ever) but also feel like I should not do this work, because I haven’t been paid in 20 days.

– I do not feel ready to have this baby.

– I repeat, I do NOT feel ready to have this baby.

– That pug is really going to have to go.

 

Contractions** July 9, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant,The Fear — arminta @ 9:30 pm

Well, folks, I been havin’ contractions. Not the up high Braxton-Hicksy ones, either.

Nope I been havin’, the low pressure and pain ones. The ones I expect are “early labor’ish.”

Here’s the thing about me… I typically don’t seek medical attention unless it’s “necessary.” Meaning: I don’t want to bother doctors for nothing then feel foolish for calling in over something normal. *Please note: I am aware that this is lunacy and in fact my doctors are paid well for taking these calls and expect to receive them. This does not change my fear of calling them.*

So, my paper from the OB says to call in if contractions come more frequently than 4 an hour. It does not specify if that means one hour of more than four or if this is experienced for multiple consecutive hours. Which leaves me feeling like since they stop for a couple of hours at a time then pick up at a rate of right about 4 an hour for an hour or two, then stop again, maybe I should not call… It is the weekend afterall.

On the other hand… what if? What if I wait too long and it becomes real labor and they can’t stop it? I’m only 31 weeks. Which is way better than 29, but still I don’t want him to be born so early and have to be in the NICU.

OK… if this keeps up, I’ll call in the morning.

(Watch me do all this worrying, and it’s nothing and I end getting induced at 42 weeks or something… That would be my luck.)

**Called, was told to keep track and if I experienced another hour with five or more go to L&D for an NST. Otherwise he’d check me out on Thursday. **

 

Am Boring and Lame and Stressed May 15, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant,The Blah,The Fear,The Seventh Circle of Hell — arminta @ 10:30 pm

I’ve been a little grumpy and negative lately. Sorry ’bout that. Turns out I don’t handle stress very well and hoo-ha am I stressed. You wouldn’t think so, but a whole lot of issues are weighing on me right now… Like what?

  • The hubs’s injury… I’m worried about him. I think he’s pushing himself too hard. I think he’s not taking enough anti-inflammatories. I’m just worried. Not that he won’t make a full recovery, he will. But that the process is going to be overly difficult/painful.
  • Work… Yeah, I hate my job. Well, not my work, or co-workers or clients. Mostly just my boss. Well, I’m kind of burnt out on one client and their insane requests, but mostly it’s my boss. I really want to tell him to go shove it. But, of course, I can’t do that. Need to earn and save as long as I can.
  • Money… really worried about not having my income. I make a good bit of cash. We will struggle and be poor. OK, not POOR, but not where we are today. It is scary.
  • Baby G… starting to worry he will come early. Had some pain after walking Ikea today and for just a few minutes I was afraid it was labor. I just have a feeling he’s coming early. I might be wrong. I probably am wrong, but… still I  Have A Feeling.

I realize this is the same shit I was just whining about. Promise to remove my head from my own ass at some point and write about something of substance. Like baby kicks. Or how I still break into tears when certain songs play on the radio because “fuck I miss my Bean” or how I now think Bean was a girl because was Twilight obsessed and now am Black Eyed Peas obsessed (my boy loves the Fergie-Ferg).

I probably won’t get my head out of my ass.

Don’t count on that.