Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Big Changes September 15, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 4:52 am

So, yeah, things… not so great.

 

Basically, my entire family imploded. My sister came up with the idea that my brother should watch all of her kids. Then she, he and my mother talked about it for a few days without talking to me. They made themselves believe that I would just be hunky dorey fine with 1) having my grocery money completely cut with no notice and 2) losing Ladybug. They also talked themselves into believing that Lil G would be just fine with not seeing “his sister” everyday anymore. They were wrong. Duh.

 

I, of course, was terribly hurt by all of this. As much at the fact that they all conspired together and didn’t discuss it with me, then when my sister did bring it up it was “Oh hey, did Mom tell you we all discussed this plan that totally fucks over you and your kid?” I mean, I was hurt by the decision, too, but I could have dealt with that if it weren’t handled in such a way that clearly said “You and your family are not important to us” from people who are supposed to love and care for me. Needless to say, I didn’t handle it very well. Initially I did. But then my mom kept calling and wanting to talk about it and when we talked about it I only got more hurt and angry because it was clear as a bell that all she wanted was for me to say “oh yeah, sure it’s fine, I’m not upset with you guys” so she could feel better about the situation. Yeah, that didn’t happen.

 

So, after she got me all pissed off I let loose on everybody. Then I found out that my Mom relayed everything I said to her back to my siblings. Then she tried to pretend like she wasn’t “taking sides.” Basically, my whole family turned against me and the issue became about my reaction to their betrayal. Of course, I’m crazy and nuts and blah, blah, blah. 

 

That was a month ago. I’ve seen Ladybug and Lil C twice and Big C once since then. If it weren’t for Lil G I wouldn’t be able to make it right now. 

 

Today is Ladybug’s birthday, tomorrow is Big C’s birthday. I just want to hug my babies and tell them how much I love them.

 

But, their mother has decided that hating me is more important than her children’s or my child’s best interests. In her words “they’re little, they’ll adjust to a new normal and forget about each other.”

 

Except everyday I hear “where is my sister” and “I miss my sister.”

 

Well, I hate my sister. She is a selfish, hateful bitch and I wish she was never born.

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Testing February 20, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 2:01 am

I am attempting to blog from my Kindle… Why? Ladybug, of course. I had  BAD ra day a couple of weeks ago. Like, walking was an issue bad, and thought a long, hot shower would help. She decided my laptop needed a shower, too. Getting it repaired/replaced has been fun, because I was rung up with the wrong warranty. All will be well, it’s just taking time.

 

Moderation December 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 2:47 am

I have intentionally not written too much about politics and my views thereof on here. Mostly because they don’t really have anything to do with infertility, pregnancy loss or parenting on a daily basis. But, also, I tend to fall outside of the two major schools of thought when it comes to things political and often find myself disconnected from others when it comes to political topics. 

 

That said… in the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting doesn’t it seem like the gun control conversation is insanely polarized? 

 

Literally, my Facebook feed is full of the following posts (yes, these are direct quotes, not my witty paraphrases) and dozens more of the same ilk:

 – Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.

 – Guns are bad.

 – Can we talk about gun control, yet?

 – Really? We’re blaming the guns, not the nut job pulling the trigger?

 – The second amendment has killed enough people.

 Ya’ll, this scares me. It doesn’t scare me that people have differing points of view, or that there is a major discussion happening after a tragic event. It scares me that the conversation following each of these posts are friends blasting each other for having different opinions. It scares me that the arguments people are making are things like “The gub’mint gun go take our guns away, Bubba” (sarcastically, to a FRIEND who happens to just not believe all guns are evil) and “Oh, I see, we’ll make more laws, because criminals do such a good job following those!” (again, sarcasm directed at a FRIEND who just happens to have a different opinion). It scares me that the only two things I hear are: “We need more guns” and “We need no guns.” It scares me that as a people we seem incapable of moderation. 

 

I own guns. After having my house broken into and waiting 15 minutes for a cop to show up when I told the 911 operator “He’s still in my house and I have four scared children in the car with me,” I’m glad that I have the ability to protect my family should the need arise. We are responsible with our weapons. They are kept where the children cannot get to them and, except for the emergency use one (that I sincerely hope I never have to use), they are kept behind a lock. But, the point remains, I own guns for personal protection. I do not think guns are bad. I also do not think guns are good.

 

The fact is, I don’t really know what I think. I think it’s time to evaluate facts, look at what other countries are doing and how that’s working out for them. I think it’s time to examine the meaning behind the second amendment and potentially make changes IF deemed necessary. I think it’s time to determine how mental health care availability factors into this equation. I think it’s time to go on an OBJECTIVE fact finding mission and work together to come up with a plan for the future. I think this fact finding mission should not be funded or conducted by groups who stand to be financially affected by the results.

 

I know none of us wants another horrendous shooting like the ones that have become all too common to occur. But, can anyone truly believe that the answer is a oversimplified, one sentence Facebook status? If so, I am terrified for the future of this world.

 

Full Term Plus September 28, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 1:22 am

So, Nora could have been here by now. Actually, G was here for three days already at this point. But, she’s not here and she isn’t coming. We passed a garage sale today that was full of pink baby stuff and I completely lost it.

 

This sucks.

 

There’s No Sex in the Champagne Room July 21, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 10:34 am

Absolutely none. No matter what other co-sleeping parents of toddlers may say, there is no sex (absolutely none) in the champagne room.

 

But, Mommy sure does spend a lot of time on Youtube and reading shitty pop-lit. Because those are things you can do while the entire rest of your family snores in your bed. When you can’t get up for fear of waking the toddler who is allergic to sleep and scared of the dark. but you can’t sleep. Because you drank a pot of coffee for lunch. Because that’s the only way you manage to get jack shit done around the house. Not that you got that much done around the house. Not that I would know anything about that…

 

It’s been a long az dry spell ‘round here. (Yes, literally, too, but it did rain today, so maybe there’s hope, yet…)

 

Long.

 

Dry.

 

Spell.

 

I blame the co-sleeping. I blame the RA. I blame lots of things. But, ultimately? The fire is going out and I don’t know what to do about it. Last time we were in MI we stopped at a scenic turnout and *ahem* made a scene. This time? Not so much as a kiss. Anywhere.

 

We’re mad at each other all the time, or ambivalent. We don’t go out. I feel about as wanted as herpes. I’m sure he feels the same. We talk about having sex (or mention it in passing). We say that we should. Should. It feels like we’re each waiting for the other to make the move and take responsibility. I feel like he should make me feel wanted and loved and he feels like I should seduce him. If I’m being honest (and why shouldn’t I? It’s just the internet, here, it’s not like *just ANYBODY* can read it…) the lovin’s in our relationship has always felt a bit one sided to me and frankly I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it not being even a little about me. About it being his need and I’m just here to fill it. Maybe I used to have less issue with it because that didn’t used to be the story of my *entire* life…

 

I Love Lamp July 20, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 9:55 am

and everything else, except Mom-Mom.

 

So, last weekend Nana, Daddy, Lil G and I decided to make an spontaneous trip to our favorite place. Lil G LOVED it. He loved the water, he loved being on a boat, he loved seeing all the boats. Well, he hated the sand, but he loved most everything else. I know he loved it, because he said so.

 

“I love you, boat!”

“I love you, pirate ship!”

“I love you, Nana!”

“Bye, bye, Michigan, I love you!” (Being an avid OSU fan this one was really hard to take…)

“I love you, big, big truck!”

“I love you, Daddy” (OK, this one I mind less than the others.)

 

I think you get the point. The boy was full of love. And, still is. Since we’ve been home, the proclamations of love have continued:

 

“I love you, Sissy".”

“I love you, Elmo.”

“I love you, Ricky.” (As in Ricky Gervais, as in talking to a Youtube video.)

“I love you, raisins.”

Now, I’m getting upstaged by Youtube and raisins? The hell?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

 

My mom says maybe he doesn’t know what “I love you” means. I think maybe he’s fucking with me…

 

Here There Be Tygers July 17, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — arminta @ 4:47 pm

 

Lots of days I think my life is the cat’s freaking pajamas. I get to stay home with four of my favorite people and play all day. No schedule, no deadlines…

Yeah, today, is not one of those days. Today I feel like my life is purgatory. This is that place where I have to wait until the hell that is meant for me is completed. So, not a good day.

  • It might be depression. That old and faithful friend has been stalking me again recently.
  • It might be the fact that the female (and ringleader) of the hoodlum children has been a little monster. Seems harsh to call a toddler a monster? Today she has: poured water on my TV (my ONLY TV), left teeth marks on my baby’s bum, pulled hair out of Lil C’s head, poked Big C in the eye, poured a whole cup of water in my carpet, taken off her clothes and diaper to poop in the crib, flung said poop all over the nursery, and just generally been a grump in between these exploits. Yesterday, the little monster opened my pantry and poured out ALL of the open food boxes (2 bags of goldfishes, 2 bags of chips and a bag of rice), tortured her brothers and tore up a book. Seriously. It’s not like I just let the kids run roughshod, either. She does this stuff while I’m in the potty, or making lunch, or spending time playing with/helping the other kids. For each thing listed here, I’ve stopped her doing more. Monster, I tell you.
  • It might be that I just got back from vacation and OMG did I not want to come back. I really want to move Up North. If you know me at all you know I loves my Ohio sports teams. But… I so want to move to northern Michigan. It’s a whole other America. Or, Ohio is just full of assholes.
Haven’t smiled like that in days
  • It might be that I feel like I work my ass off for nothing. I miss money. There, I said it. I miss being upper middle class, instead of sucky lower middle class. There is a huge difference in lifestyle between the two. This one deserves it’s own post.
  • It might be that I JUST learned that Steven Page left the Barenaked Ladies.
  • It might be a combination of the above.

At any rate… I am feeling decidedly unmotivated at life. I am feeling very blah. I am feeling very much like hiding. Because that fixes everything. Seriously, though, it’s like there’s so much to do and it’ll never all get done and even if it does it’ll just get undone and no one will appreciate it anyway and I have to value or direction or goals and even if I did they wouldn’t matter and Holy Hell, can’t I just get drunk already*?

I haven’t done anything of value today, and I just want to give up.

But, I can’t. Because of this:

* Full disclosure… I received a bottle of tequila at my baby shower (so two full years ago), there is still a solid 10 or 12 shots left in it. I haven’t bought wine in months and the closest I’ve been to drunk in the last seven months was the three glasses of wine I drank at a Barenaked Ladies concert** the other night. So most talk of drinking is more of a memory of when I used to drink (which I enjoyed and remember fondly).

** Where I learned Steven Page left the band. How is this not front page news? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Ed Robertson, but If I Had $1,000,000 just is not the same without the duo.