Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Where I Was December 10, 2012

I was here, duh!

 

OK, so, I know I said I was going to stop bitching and what-not. But, this is not depressed whining. I swearz!

 

Actually, given all that’s been going on I’m doing remarkably well in that dept. ย  But, I have been quite down with my RA. Also, I didn’t have a computer for a few weeks because some asshat decided to break into my house (while I was picking the kids up from school, and much like Goldilocks he was still here when we got home) and steal my laptop and all of my jewelry (including a ring from my Great-Grandma). Also, between upper respiratory viruses and asthma and puking/fever viruses we’ve been pretty much sick for 5 weeks.

 

So, that’s where I’ve been, computer-less and up to my knees in puke & poop. Aren’t you glad you asked?

 

(But, I’ll tell you this… my husband was a ROCKSTAR this weekend. He has pneumonia and half of the tummy bug and still took care of me & the boy all weekend. Well, Saturday he kind of had to because I was unconscious and had a 104 degree fever (farenheit, yo), but Friday and Sunday were all voluntary!)

 

(Also, Ladybug is now making me pay hardcore for being sick on Friday and not watching her.)

 

Funnies May 12, 2011

OK, I had to interrupt the scheduled bitching (oh, yes, there’s more bitching to come) to bring you the funnies of my day ๐Ÿ™‚

#1 Conversation between me and Lil C over lunch. Backstory, Uncle G took Lil C to Dick’s Sporting Goods store last Friday.

LC: Can we go to Dick’s house?

Me (having not put 2 & 2 together yet): I don’t know Dick, honey, maybe you can ask your Mommy…

LC: But that’s where my tents are!

Me (aha!): You mean Dick’s at the mall?

LC: Yes!

Me: I can’t go to Dick’s, honey.

LC: Because Uncle G took your car to work?

Me: No, because I’m a girl.

LC: … … … Girls are afraid of Dick’s?

Me: Deathly.

Bwahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!

#2 Conversation between me & G regarding Baby G’s bedtime diaper:

G: Get him a diaper and jammies and I’ll get him ready for bed.

Me: OK!!!! Shit, all his covers are in the dryer! Here, I’ll get you a disposable.

G: What? You trained me on the cotton ones, I don’t know what to do with that!

He can no longer claim he doesn’t know what to do with “the cotton ones” now, though ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Ways in Which I Suck September 27, 2010

Filed under: Baby G,We're parents?,Why I Love the Hubs — arminta @ 1:16 am

TIME MANAGEMENT!

But, we all knew that already.

Sorry, I have been a piss poor poster since Baby G has come home. I could be an ass and blame the baby, but let’s face it, he sleeps a huge chunk of the day away… Mostly, it’s just me being lazy when he’s asleep. I have gotten some of my personal stuff under control, including keeping the house decently clean, so I guess I’m not being THAT lazy, but somewhat lazy. My farm and frontier have also been suffering ๐Ÿ™‚ (Yes, I do play Facebook games.) To be completely honest, I have a hard time putting him down. I don’t want to. I want to just stare at him all the time. Of course, I regret this come playtime when I am drag-ass tired from sitting up holding a sleeping baby when he was napping and I could have been napping as well.

In big news this week, I officially resigned from my job. I am a stay at home mother now. My dream job. I feel guilty as shit every day when my husband has to leave for work at freaking way-too-early-o’clock, and I know good and darn well that baby and I might be in bed until 10am. Mind you, we are usually going to bed at 11pm and I am up about 3 hours between 11p and 10a nursing/changing/generally caring for Baby G (meaning in 11 hours I’m getting 8 hours of broken sleep) and I do attempt to prevent the baby from waking G. So, it’s not quite as bad as I feel. But, I do feel guilty that my husband busts his ass at work while I get to stay home with the baby. Because while it is hard work, it is so awesome I can’t complain about my job.

Which I think is part of the lack of posting (and subsequent FB game neglect). I’m not at a job that I don’t love anymore. Part of my super posting was that I was truly over my job (meaning: my boss) and I used blogging and FB games as an escape. Also, I was pretty miserable about the Womb of Doom and right now… this very second… not feeling so miserable about it. I do realize that if there is to be a #2 that will be hard and may involve more loss and I do still mourn my angels, perhaps even more so, now.

Now that I KNOW the feeling of mothering a living child, the losses hurt deeper. When I look at Baby G I do wonder if Bean would have had the same eyes, or if he would have had a sibling with the same golden hair. I mostly wonder about Bean and how he would have looked, and if he would have been such a good baby, too.

Speaking of such a good baby… Baby G hardly cries. The average for a 4 week old is something like 90 minutes a day. We’re having a “bad” day if he cries 30 minutes total. Five continuous minutes of crying happen only when he’s gotten out of the bath. He loves to take his bath, but hates the cold of getting out of the bath, and lotion is from the devil. But… he often sleeps 3-4 straight hours on bath night, so the ritual remains! Also, he needs to be cleaned and hydrated, because he’s dry like Mommy. (Mommy is ME! I am still in awe.) In addition to being dry, he is also growing like a weed. Seriously, he went from newborn to 3 month old (not literally, obviously) overnight. He looks like a big ol’ plump infant these days. But, some of his newborn clothes still fit (but some don’t… which makes me sad). He has great head control and can swatย  a toy on purpose and I’m so proud of his bad ass skills, and am overcome with grief at how quickly he’s developing.

We only get one shot at babyhood and I don’t want it to fly by so fast. But, I am powerless to stop it.

 

Tuesdays are for Meltdowns August 18, 2010

Right, then. I am insane. It is official.

Tonight, I acted like a right loon over nothing. Well, not nothing. But nothing to be acting like a loon over. Apparently the stress has bottled up and chose to release itself quite inconveniently all over G. The one person who’s been there 100%. The man busted his ass all weekend, and I yelled at him over one load of laundry not being done. Because: AM BITCH.

What happened? Well, it started with my dad calling. He asked about me & the baby, but he seemed to have more on his mind. And, he did. He really wanted to talk about whether I thought it was a good idea for him to move in with my mother while he finished school because he was having a hard time making it to school on time because of work and he can’t miss many more days or he’ll be kicked out. Because right now, I need to be worrying about his stress, too. Don’t get me wrong, I care. I care too much is the problem. I worry about my dad. He’s not in very good health, he’s not in very good shape financially, and he’s not very good with discipline and keeping his shit together. So, anyway, I talked to him about his issues. Because that’s what I do.

While I was talking to him, G was getting frustrated, because he had bought me ice cream, that I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t paying him my undivided attention.

So, when we got home, G made a snarky comment about me being on the phone, the pug got under the bed (because the gate wasn’t closed…), I found that she had torn up one of my new chair pads and I spilled my melted ice cream (that I really wanted) all over my birthing class papers.

I Fucking Lost It.

I cried, I screamed, I tried to beat the pug with her leash (she ran under the bed). This is NOT my normal behavior. I completely went psycho. I told G it was all his fault for making the snarky comment, which started the snowball effect. Then I cried some more, until I puked.

I am not proud of this behavior. I do not approve of it at all. I had no control. Seriously, none. I was like a lunatic pulling at my hair, scratching at my face and screaming/crying. NO CONTROL. Scary.

Now I’m all better (besides feeling foolish for behaving that way) and can see that the things that felt so monumental at the time (I really wanted that ice cream) were quite small. But at the time? You’d have thought the house fell down.

So, for the second Tuesday in a row, I’ve behaved like a loon and it’s getting worse. If I make it to next Tuesday expect a change to a full on werewolf or harpy or something…

*******************************

For the record, I’m pretty sure underlying stress was the culprit… you know little things like:

– My boss is illegally withholding my paycheck for no reason and refusing to discuss it with me.

– I have a lot of work that I feel responsible to get done before I leave (potentially for ever) but also feel like I should not do this work, because I haven’t been paid in 20 days.

– I do not feel ready to have this baby.

– I repeat, I do NOT feel ready to have this baby.

– That pug is really going to have to go.

 

Random Updates August 16, 2010

Finally heard from my mother last night. We did talk for about an hour and she is working on Baby G’s curtains right now. So, there’s that.

Still haven’t gotten my paystub for work, so it’s looking like I’m going to have Baby G before I get paid. Which is BULLSHIT. But, again, I’m too concerned with getting baby out safely to fight with them and play their games.

Getting ready to hop in the shower for the pre-induction ultrasound. I haven’t heard otherwise from Dr. W, so it seems that we are still on track for waiting until Wednesday to make the decision. My cheeks are hot, which usually means my BP is up ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Feeling pretty funk overall. I did get about two hours worth of work done today. Hopefully it will be enough, because I feel pretty shitty. Not that it matters, because anybody off the street can do what I do… Yes, this was really said to one of my co-workers by my boss who COMPLETELY undervalues the report writing portion of my job. Dick.

G is still being a rockstar. I love that man. He’s been doing such a good job of taking care of us.

 

A Change in Tone August 14, 2010

Filed under: Why I Love the Hubs — arminta @ 11:58 am

I’m still here. I’m still pissed about mother and work. But, this is not why I write this afternoon.

I write this afternoon to tell you all of my wonderful hubs. I woke up this morning to the yard mowed, the dogs at the groomer and the car cooled off (it’s HAWT here) so we could go to breakfast. Before 9:30am this man had already done half a days work.

We then went to the car wash, where I piddled about going through receipts and what not and he SWEATED HIS ASS OFF cleaning my car inside and out so that the Baby G would come home in a clean ride. He then reinstalled Little C’s carseat (after removing the cover, which is now in the washing machine).

When we got home he started a wash load of heavy duty dirty stuff and right now it sounds like he’s putting dishes away.

I love this man.

 

The Bittersweet July 11, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Miscarriage,Pregnant,Why I Love the Hubs — arminta @ 3:39 pm

I received a Facebook friend request from a girl I’ve known since the third grade this week. She has a daughter who was born in 1997. This freaked G’s shit out. He just couldn’t believe that someone our age could have a teenager! Then I reminded him of two things:

We lost a baby in 1995. (S)He would be 14 right now.

AND

– He is the same age now that our parents were when we met. I was 13 and he was 17.

I finally told him the whole story behind that first miscarriage, and we pondered over how different life would have been. We both agree that while it sucks that the baby died, it probably was better for us in the long run. Somehow, that makes it worse.

I always thought that finally having a baby would take some of the sting from the losses. Somehow, they’d become “worth it” because they’d have been necessary in order for this life to have been achieved. Maybe that will still happen. Maybe that’s something that magically comes when looking in the baby’s eyes for the first time or something? I tend to think not, though. I tend to think I was wrong, and it will always be like this. Maybe, there will always be part of me that wishes I could look into our alternate lives and see what would have been.

In other news… Baby G is kicking and playing and making my tum move all day long. He woke me up last night kicking at me. Also, Daddy G has been much more patient with waiting for his kicks since he’s been able to feel and see them more and more this week. We have a little bonding almost every night when he talks to the baby and feels him move around. Seriously, the.best.feeling.ever.ย ย  ever.